Thinking your life is a movie...

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I have autofocus in my eyes.

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When you're walking and think of something funny and start laughing, but you don't want people to think you're weird, so you pull out your phone and pretend you're texting.

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What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

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Thinking you're very popular after you have owned someone at school.

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Layer the water in the toilet with toilet paper, so when I poo the water does splash back up and splatter poo and water all over my bum

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i try to spit onto my line of piss while going to the toilet.

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Walking into a room to do something, and then forgetting what you were gonna do.

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If im taking a crap in the public washrooms and someone walks in I try to make covering noise as soon as its about to plop.

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Lightly touching your stomach or other body parts with your fingers to get that tickling sensation.

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Find a really good joke on the internet and pretend you came up with it to make your friends think you're funny

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Flush the toilet before you finish peeing.

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Get somewhat worried about myself if I'm thumbed down on THIS SITE.

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Constantly refresh your email page even though you know nothing will appear.

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Wipe the salt off your hand on your right pant leg after eating salty fries from fast food restaurants.

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Scratch my asshole and always judge it to be okay to continue my day, no matter how bad the smell.

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Air guitar to a song of how you think it would be on a Guitar Hero game.

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Sometimes I have something I want to do and then walk into the room to do it in and forget exactly what I was trying to do, it usually involves the kitchen so I just look in the refrigerator then leave and then remember what it is I wanted to do.

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Stab myself on a daily basis

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Doing something, and someone asks you what you're doing, and you realize you can't remember. Then they walk off and the instant they're gone, you remember.

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Run into a wall and say "I'm sorry" and then realize that it's just a wall.

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I watch American football with the sound down low because the announcers are always trying to tell us that we didn't see what we just saw when the referees make bad calls

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Criticize a porn novel for its poor use of the English language

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.