Spread my butt so poop comes out easier.

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cover myself in vaseline and roll around on the floor pretending im a slug

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When I have my headphones in, and I'm miming the words to a song in the bathroom pretending that I'm playing a gig. I put the tap on to make sure no one hears me dancing.

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Sometimes when I'm laughing really hard I awkwardly clap my hands.

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When you need something from someone and you forget what it's called,So then you have to awkwardly explain it.

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when sleeping over at someone's house, make a cringing, weird looking face while opening the fridge in the middle of the night like somehow the look on your face will change the volume of the seal breaking open

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get annoyed when the pop-up lid on the dish soap bottle is left up

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Whenever I got hurt I used to just run like that would stop the pain

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Going to sleep during class thinking that you've written down all your notes, until you wake up and realize you did nothing.

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Try to move your head to line up specks on the windshield with objects outside.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLENDA!!!

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk without insurance and crashing into legal citizens who pay taxes and insurance leaving us with a debt in medical bills so that we cant afford physical therapy.

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After getting up from the grass, I use my foot to move the grass I was sitting on around so that there isn't a butt print in the grass.

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I used to shower with my cat which struggles like hell, even though it loves getting fucking filthy, one day it even bit my dick. I still shower with my cat.

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Walking into a room to do something, and then forgetting what you were gonna do.

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Press harder on the remote when I know the batteries are dead.

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Pretend I'm a back-up dancer or singing a duet with the singer of the song I'm listening to.

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When I Download A Song Or Movie And The Download Speed Slows Down I Think The FBI Is Tracking Me.

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Spend ages searching for a porno (normally about 40 minutes), search through it for the best bit, finish and think "what was the point of all that"

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thinking "what if people can read my mind" then cant stop thinking dirty things about people around me

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get some of the lyrics to a song wrong. you know theyre wrong, but continue to sing the wrong words anyway, because the real words just don't seem to fit.

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I have to stop the Microwave on 0 but before it beeps or I'm not going to get what I want in life. OCD MUCH

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Sometimes when I look in the mirror I act out a scene like Tyra banks coming up to me and asking me to be on America's next top model.

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Fake an orgasm after only 30 seconds, watch the "wtf" look on her face then laugh hysterically.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.