only read the short jokes on this website

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When I'm sitting on the toilet, I try to make piss and crap come out at the same time.

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doesn't eat meal until desired tv show starts.

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after taking a dump i always still smell a little bit of poop and i wonder if other people smell it too

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Paranoid someone is reading your mind, so you think something weird to see if they look at you

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Have one of those days where you think it is just a dream but then reality takes over

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Go outside to meet a friend but he cancelled so you stay in your garage so your parents don't know you're there

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I feel strange when I look at someone and think ''This person has had sex''

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Panic when your car alarm goes off while you are going to get in because you suddenly look like a criminal.

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When I'm watching a movie I have already seen I hope for a different ending but soon realize it won't happen

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carry my cat by holding it's front and back legs

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Put the porn sound in a really low volume even when you have headphones, just to make sure noone can hear it. Then take off the headphones once in a while to check if it sounds too loud.

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expecting to get on this website to find something funny but instead finding crappy posts.

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whenever I use a public stall I pretend Im not there to avoid unwanted attention

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I talk through my teeth when i am talking to my pets.

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Read the time on your watch, then after a few minutes, read it again because you forgot it.

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When well dressed, someone ask me what I do for a living, I say nothing and watch the confused look come over their face.

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Play my music so low in public that I can hardly hear it in my headphones for fear of others being able to hear what I'm listening to.

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So has anyone else ever been in the middle of doing something and at the exact moment something happens and you sort of wonder if it happened because of what you did.

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I have autofocus in my eyes.

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read on youtube comments with too unlikes

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Scratch inside my ear, then lick the finger I used.

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Reading your facebook posts that you wrote a year ago or more, and think of how stupid you were at that time.

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I **** with no hands.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.