jump down the stairs when im almost down to save time

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I'm a man. When I'm watching a movie with my wife and it has a sad ending. I allways have to cry but moments before the actual end has come I allready start to snif my nose so that she thinks I have a cold and do not have to cry about the ending of the movie.

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Ask me if an outfit makes you look fat? I'll say VERY!

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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expecting to get on this website to find something funny but instead finding crappy posts.

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trying to piss after masturbation hurts.

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Stopping the microwave at 1 second because it's late and you don't want to be loud.

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Deside to watch a video in bed on your phone or iPad and drop it on your face...

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Picking my nose.

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getting excited when you find a recycled tissue in your robe/sweatshirt so you don't know have to get up to get one yourself?

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I ship Bolin and Korra as a romance and a bromance. Am I weird for doing this?

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after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

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When I see a pregnant woman I can't help but think "she had sex"

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I have autofocus in my eyes.

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You see someone do something cool and imagine doing it in front of all your friends

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Sweet! I've just received my free minecraft giftcode! >> Minecraftcodes.info <

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worry about getting a little butt sweat mark on a chair if you've been sitting in it too long while its hot.

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When you're scared of the bathroom and you close your eyes you quickly look around to check if there's a monster or something in the mirror

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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I don't like being told what I will do or how I will feel.

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Tells a joke only you thought was funny and still laughs then laughs harder because your the only one laughing nikki

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masturbate as soon as the opportunity arrises. "You'll be home alone all day" "Ok, bye.....*fap fap fap*"

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Sometimes I accidentally move my mouth in a way where it suddenly makes a random farting noise so I immediately just make more obviously made fart noises just so people wont think I actually farted. Is that only me?

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When theres a car just like yours right next to your car in the parking lot you almoat always gravitate to that car instead. It's the worst when there people in the car and you keep trying to open it.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.