When i want to write a joke on anti jokes.com i laugh at my friends instead!

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Apply hand sanitizer after fapping.

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clean specks of sh*t in the toilet by peeing on it.

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If im eating food i shouldnt and i dont want anybody to know i jump if anyone comes in and catches me.

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When I'm trying to sleep and my mind's like, "Hey, know what's a good movie? Paranormal Activity!" Then I can't sleep for an hour - Brayden Everes

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I keep thinking a thing is about to fall from the table even though it's not close to the edge

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Have to suddenly poop while shopping (mainly in Wal-Mart), but don't feel like traveling far to the restroom. So I kneel down in whatever aisle I'm in, casually shove my heel up my butt, and pick up some random item from the shelf and pretend to be interested in it. Finally, when the poop is secure in my butt, I'll put the item back and continue my shopping.

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Get angry at someone for not knowing something I haven't told them about.

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I avoid my wealthy but cool relatives because I don't want them to think I want money

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smoke marijuana

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Try to think of as many as my female friends as literally possible while masturbating. Rapid Fire envisioning each one I can think of - regardless of their attractiveness - taking my load in one place or another, until I actually cum.

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Still can't walk on cracks. If I step on the crack with one foot, the other has to as well.

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hearing the opening theme music to Disney or 20th Century Fox or whatever and knowing what it is before you see the screen, then wondering if you should feel proud or if your a weird geek.

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Download a new app, and say to myself I'll never stop playing it. Play it for 2 hours and forget about it.

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Pretending you don't know that much about something because other people might think it would be wierd if you did. Ex: if you you knew someone's exact birthdate and you were discussing it with some one and you where like ya he looks a little older he's probably in his mid 40s or early 50s instead of just admitting you know there exact age.

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When I aak someone out it takes me 3-6 attempts to get the words out

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when u were younger and closed the fridge door super slowly 2 c when the light turned off

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whenever there is a person I really, really hate, I imagion them dying in a cruel and painful way.

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Thinking that someone is seeing everything from your eyes while you are using the bathroom, and then quickly looking up to avoid embarassment.

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After you wipe your butt and crotch with a towel, you dont want the towel to touch your face. Next night, dry your face and head first.

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jack off

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When you were in elementary school you thought people laughed at Uranus because it sounds kinda like urine and then wondered why it was so funny; the two only sound remotely alike.

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I never let anything go over the toilet when It's open.

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I read your stuff at the interwebs and think "sons, I am disappoint" Moral: Lol, I just might be your father you know... But that does not mean you disappoint me anymore, I kinda expect your worst? Best? I mean... Are you doing your worst on purpose? WOW!

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.