fap

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Flush the toilet before you finish peeing

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Only use the left earphone.

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Sitting down in the shower

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Having to poop in a certain way to avoid your ass sucking it in again. If it all comes out in one go, the cleaning becomes a lot easier and more satisfying.

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Sometimes I wonder how food tastes when not drowned in ketchup.

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I have autofocus in my eyes.

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When you have the " If I'm on an elevator and it breaks and is about to crash at the bottom, and I jump up before it does, will I live?" thought.

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Layer the water in the toilet with toilet paper, so when I poo the water does splash back up and splatter poo and water all over my bum

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I have just one thing to say to all the women who look at me as a sex object. Hey.

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I really hate the sound of sqeaking balloons

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Hate when people ask "do you have a bathroom?" It's like "no we crap in the yard!"

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I put a cigarette lighter in a fireplace, anyone else?

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Go to bed with my left nostril clogged, wake up with my right nostril clogged.

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thinking "what if people can read my mind" then cant stop thinking dirty things about people around me

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I pretend I'm a really popular YouTuber and talk to nobody thinking they're my subscribers.

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When I am driving and I see another car being pulled over I think "Oh, so I am not the only one"

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Accidentally scratching a surface and then scratching it again with the tops of your fingernails to even it out.

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Taking your headphones/earbuds off a lot to see if your music is playing loudly. Or to see if other people could possibly hear it

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Think of the most awkward or dreadful thing you could possibly do in any given situation and be almost compelled to do it but then realising that you could never show your face anywhere ever again if you did.

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judge a spider on it's ability to hide from me and decide to let it survive if I consider it a clever hiding place, then get paranoid because the spider was smart.

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I talk to inanimate objects daily.

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only read the short jokes on this website

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I am 23 and I know how to spell "STORK"

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.