When well dressed, someone ask me what I do for a living, I say nothing and watch the confused look come over their face.

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Having to poop in a certain way to avoid your ass sucking it in again. If it all comes out in one go, the cleaning becomes a lot easier and more satisfying.

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When I see a pregnant woman I can't help but think "she had sex"

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Sometimes I wonder how food tastes when not drowned in ketchup.

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Write a word then wonder if it's spelt with an i or and e so just put them both in but do it in such a way that the person reading it won't know whether you didn't know the spelling or misspelled it then realized your mistake and tried to fix it.

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When you're walking and think of something funny and start laughing, but you don't want people to think you're weird, so you pull out your phone and pretend you're texting.

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Reading your facebook posts that you wrote a year ago or more, and think of how stupid you were at that time.

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What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

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I Never read the Terms of Service but click the box anyway .

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Thinking you're very popular after you have owned someone at school.

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Whenever you shave, you make sure you cut both ends of your moustache, leaving a small patch in the middle above your lips. Then you pretend to be Hitler ;)

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Wait until my friends are done eating lunch so I don't have to dump my tray alone.

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(Men) When you have to poop and pee at the same time, you stand to pee, and THEN sit to poop. Just out of principle.

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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when im lying in bed and fart i bring the blanket up to my nose and smell it. And nod in approval..

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Sitting on toilet after pooping without wiping for longer than a minute because your in your phone.

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You are thinking of really awkward moments that happened earlier in the day so then you subconsciously say a bunch of random things quickly out loud to get the thought of the awkward moment out of your head.

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If someone high fives me on one hand, I need to high five the other one too, or I feel uneven.

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When you are almost crying while laughing in a silent area, you have to think terrible thoughts just to get rid of the laughing.

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Constantly refresh your email page even though you know nothing will appear.

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right after I turn the shower off I jump up and down to get rid of the extra water all over me...

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Air guitar to a song of how you think it would be on a Guitar Hero game.

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Say something smart in class, then worry your friends will rip ony uo for it half way through saying it, so end it by saying "or something like that."

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Sometimes I have something I want to do and then walk into the room to do it in and forget exactly what I was trying to do, it usually involves the kitchen so I just look in the refrigerator then leave and then remember what it is I wanted to do.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.