Waiting with a friend the microwave countdown finish and when comes to 0 shout "Happy New Year!" and we hug each other

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Going through a lot of Deja Vu lately, it feels like you have another life before this one.

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walking up steps in the dark and you think you've gotten to the top but there's actually one more step and you panic because you think your going to fall

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only read the short jokes on this website

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Paranoid someone is reading your mind, so you think something weird to see if they look at you

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Say the Lord's name in vain, then say "sorry God" under my breath right after.

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When in class , I move alot in my chair when my butt itches .

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When masturbating at night, looking at the window paranoid that someone is watching. But stopping or moving out of view.

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Looking at something suggestive on your computer and worrying that someone else in your family can see what you're doing on their computer.

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I use encryption even for everyday, routine communications because f*ck the NSA.

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Blow into the shower head when I'm taking a shower to make what sounds like jet noises

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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I have tried jumping in an airplane to see if I fall in the same spot

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When you are reading a book and find that you are narrating the words you read in the book, to yourself. You feel weird, so you try to stop doing this by reading further or focusing more on the book.

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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When I see lost posters of native parrots I always wonder how could I find 1 in a million

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At work or in public and I am wearing snug pants I think sexy thoughts so I'll have half a hardon and make people think it's that big all time.

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carry my cat by holding it's front and back legs

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Put the porn sound in a really low volume even when you have headphones, just to make sure noone can hear it. Then take off the headphones once in a while to check if it sounds too loud.

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standing at the mall with your group talking, you all decide to start walking to a store, start to follow but half the group stays behind for a few seconds then they start walking, walk a slower pace only to find out that you're in the middle of your split groups e.g. 3 in front 4 behind...dont know which one to merge to......wait for your group to collaborate back together.

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Stopping the microwave at 1 second because it's late and you don't want to be loud.

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Deside to watch a video in bed on your phone or iPad and drop it on your face...

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Pay attention to commercial breaks to see if there is ever a break without an advertisement about cars or new movies coming out

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When well dressed, someone ask me what I do for a living, I say nothing and watch the confused look come over their face.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.