acting as if you can shoot with a banana

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I don't read the terms of service.

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turn off the tv by accident and then turn it on only to find that it takes forever to work again

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When I'm sitting on the toilet, I try to make piss and crap come out at the same time.

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walking up steps in the dark and you think you've gotten to the top but there's actually one more step and you panic because you think your going to fall

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Say the Lord's name in vain, then say "sorry God" under my breath right after.

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When I see lost posters of native parrots I always wonder how could I find 1 in a million

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Go outside to meet a friend but he cancelled so you stay in your garage so your parents don't know you're there

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When you are reading a book and find that you are narrating the words you read in the book, to yourself. You feel weird, so you try to stop doing this by reading further or focusing more on the book.

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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At work or in public and I am wearing snug pants I think sexy thoughts so I'll have half a hardon and make people think it's that big all time.

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everytime i see a jet stream in the air i pretend that i can shoot a missile with my finger tip that is self guided and tracks down the airplane that made that certain jet stream.

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Fake an orgasm after only 30 seconds, watch the "wtf" look on her face then laugh hysterically.

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Stopping the microwave at 1 second because it's late and you don't want to be loud.

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Deside to watch a video in bed on your phone or iPad and drop it on your face...

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I twerk in the mirror to see how much my ass jiggles

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So has anyone else ever been in the middle of doing something and at the exact moment something happens and you sort of wonder if it happened because of what you did.

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Love feet. like LOVE feet.

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When passed by a very attractive girl in the street, turn around and look after her and/or follow her to the next street corner, in order to grasp more of her beauty.

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Write angry notes into your search browser in case any Russian spies are watching.

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Write a word then wonder if it's spelt with an i or and e so just put them both in but do it in such a way that the person reading it won't know whether you didn't know the spelling or misspelled it then realized your mistake and tried to fix it.

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When you don't have enough money for something, you just take a tiny bit of money from your siblings and parents room at a time so they don't notice any different

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Tap my fingers really rapidly when I'm annoyed, stressed out, fed up or angry.

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After getting up from the grass, I use my foot to move the grass I was sitting on around so that there isn't a butt print in the grass.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.