Imagine I'm being filmed in a reality TV show just so I could do something productive or interesting.

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Hearing someone say something but saying "what" because you need more time to think of an answer

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I don't read the terms of service.

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I have autofocus in my eyes.

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When you don't have enough money for something, you just take a tiny bit of money from your siblings and parents room at a time so they don't notice any different

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Spend ages searching for a porno (normally about 40 minutes), search through it for the best bit, finish and think "what was the point of all that"

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When no one is home or if no one is looking you go in the fridge and drink right out of the bottle.

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Saying "ow" even though whatever happened did not actually hurt, but you thought that it would.

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see a old couple in the street and think," i wonder if he still bangs her" lol

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use cleverbot to chat to automated dating chat bots. even if i don't understand swedish.

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I can't brush my teeth and rinse in the sink right after I flush the toilet, for fear of it being connected somehow, and rinsing with my own piss.

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I think Lois Griffin on Family Guy is hot!

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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Hate people who don't dress like you because they're not fashionable. Hate people who do dress like you because they threaten your individuality.

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Dad, what's that dark place over there? That's Chorley son, you must never go there.

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Pretend that when you are in the shower, the shower head is a giant machine gun, that takes thousands of men to operate, and that you were an extremely large person and you catch ALL of the bullets in your mouth, spitting them at the shower head while at the same time turning off the water as if they all died, and the small drips that continue to drop out were the dead soldires' blood.....-dillon

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Look at the time but have to look again 3 seconds later because you forgot.

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I have an imaginary therapist. I talk to him in my head and he actually gives me really good answers.

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strawberry flavored hemorrhoid cream

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Sometimes when im in my bed and trying to fall asleep, i don´t want to open my eyes in case there is a murderer standing before my bed.

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when you're texting in class and you realize you are staring at your crotch and smiling.

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After peeling an apple, I will put the apple in a zip-lock and hold it through the plastic so my hands won't get sticky while I eat it.

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I think about life problems in the shower

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When someome asks you a question and you can't hear them so you say, "what?", then they say it again and you miss it so you just nod your head and say "yeah".

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.