Naming every pet you've ever owned Peter Jankins

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when you hear "tartar sauce" you think that it's actually made from tartar -MATT

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The older I get the more honest I get

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When leaving a poop smear under the water in the toilet that doesn't get flushed away, I put a few pieces of toilet paper on the water surface to conceal it.

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when you're texting in class and you realize you are staring at your crotch and smiling.

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I carry more money in my wallet than it appears, I just tuck some away because I think that if I can't see it and have to go through the trouble to get it out- then I won't spend it.

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I never find things funny unless I'm in a completely silent room, and it is then that I think or see something funny and begin to almost cry of laughter.

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become increasingly panicked when its dark and you cant find the door handle.

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I have autofocus in my eyes.

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Repeat the phrase "you too" after a comment someone makes that does not apply. Bob: happy birthday Jim Jim: you too bob. Awwww sh!t.

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Live in a house my whole life and still not know what switch does which

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Get annoyed when I'm working on something and someone who's looking at funny pictures wants to show me every single one. Then I do the same thing when I'm looking at funny pictures.

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When taking a shower, and standing in the opposite direction where the water is coming fromY

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forget i left the light on somewhere in the house and when i see it on i think a ghost did it..

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I pretend that my actions are perceived by a past self and they're always astounded by the change I've gone through.

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Think what would I be doing if I was someone else

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Your mom. Just kidding everyone does her.

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I feel bad for not reading the terms of service on a website, because someone had to put a lot of effort into that.

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Put on different accents, ad talk to my self in the mirror.

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Archer's Pam poovey, Lana Kane and Malory makes me horny

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I type out something I think is funny, then wonder if people will think I'm weird and erase it.

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If I'd see a grizzly bear in the forest I'd probably try to run away even though every sane person says that that's exactly the thing you shouldn't do

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Think you're breathing way too loud when your headphones are turned up

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Whenever I read creepy pastas and there is a picture after the story I get afraid to look at it than when I do I freak out thinking it's going to eat me. Than when I look at it I shout FUUUUUUU.. Than look at it some more and I burst out laughing seeing its a fucking dumb picture.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.