pretend you died to see what your dog would do.

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must have the tv volume set to an even number or feel weird

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every bite i have of a sandwich, i need to have a sip of a flavored drink to "soften the bread and make it taste good".

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Doing something, and someone asks you what you're doing, and you realize you can't remember. Then they walk off and the instant they're gone, you remember.

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Run into a wall and say "I'm sorry" and then realize that it's just a wall.

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pee when you are dreaming haha lol

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I always go to sleep with every single one of my stuffed animals in my arms at the same time because I think that they get lonely and sad if I pick certain ones. Then again I sometimes wonder if they secretly hate me and think I'm a weird creep for hugging all of them every night. I'm 24.

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When your at your friends house and they run out of toilet paper, so you sit there like "what do i do now?"

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as you walk down the street, you pretend that all of the people were zombies and you pretend you have a gun and give them headshots (even imitate the gunshot with your mouth) -MATT

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I have seen a UFO

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When in a public bathroom stall and having to take a number 2 i wait until there is nobody else in there to let it go and also exit the stall.

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Think a really Fu**ed up thought in your head, and then get mad at your brain for even coming up with it, and finally trying to think really nice thoughts to make up for it.

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Suppress a sneeze and then walk around unsatisfied.

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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when im lying in bed and fart i bring the blanket up to my nose and smell it. And nod in approval..

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When leaving a poop smear under the water in the toilet that doesn't get flushed away, I put a few pieces of toilet paper on the water surface to conceal it.

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when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

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Try to stop thinking but then just start thinking I'm thinking

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Wait until my friends are done eating lunch so I don't have to dump my tray alone.

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Cannot even read a word when a blonde lady sits in front of me in a library.

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Realizing that when you look behind a shower curtain before using the bathroom and actually see a Serial killer, you have no plan...

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The only time I seem to look at the clock is when the numbers read my birth date.

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Clench your butt super hard to slowly let out a fart thinking no one will know.

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Fear that the CIA is secretly wathing you.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.