I don't like to answer the phone because it is never for me.

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Always check the other side of the shower curtain when showering out of fear that someone is on the other side

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think about how different my life would be I if I didn't get married

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Watch 30 seconds of a commercial break only to realize it's dvr'd and I could be fast forwarding it.

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thinking about how you will never understand who in the world thought it was a good idea to spell "Wednesday" like that

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When home alone, I put cans in front of the door so if someone breaks in, I wake up.

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I sometimes start moving my hands around "making them fight" pretending they are tiny fighters.

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Tally mark everytime I take a shit.

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While going to sleep, you turn the pillow downside-up several times to find a cooler surface.

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Discovering your friend is a total retard (Charlie) Discovering your friend is a total retard (Charlie) Discovering your friend is a total retard (Charlie) Discovering your friend is a total retard (Charlie) Discovering your friend is a total retard (Charlie) Discovering your friend is a total retard (Charlie) Discovering your friend is a total retard (Charlie) Discovering your friend is a total retard (Charlie) Discovering your friend is a total retard (Charlie) Discovering your friend is a total retard (Charlie)

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My butthole itches, so I fart to scratch it.

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Sometimes I won't do something just to see how long it takes before someone else does it (dishes, throw something away, fill the ice cube tray, etc.).

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Questioning why they make the Captcha's(spamblocker) SO hard to read

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I choose not to post a comment on some subjects because I know there will be a hundred others that will be the same.

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When i close the refrigiator door, i re-open it and give it a good shove to make sure it tight.

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Find that the kettle has recently been used and still contains hot water so decide to have a cup of tea just so that boiling that water wasn't a waste. Think that it might have cooled down by now. Reboil the water.

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When im standing at a urinal and another guy was there before me and i still finish first i pretend like im still peeing so he wont think i have a bladder problem.

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Sometimes if I am by myself at the house or in the car I will act completely insane and absurd. This usually involves me screaming incoherent babble, whole body twitching, making absurd faces and doing this thing where I bite my tongue and shake my head violently. If any normal person saw me they would either think I am having a seizure or currently possessed by Satan.

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Lay down in bed and close my eyes and pretend that the bed is slowly levitating towards the ceiling. When I open my eyes, the bed is back on the ground.

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Pretending not to hear someone talk to you hoping they wont care enough to repeat themselves so you wont have to talk to them

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Think about breathing...

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Whenever I'm in the shower, I never close my eyes because I think someones gonna kill me

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When serving grilled steak, I always make sure I get the best one.

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when i listen to music in my earphones, i always pretend its me performing the song to an audience.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.