I think about fat women while poking my skinny girlfriend

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I really enjoy spending my birthday alone. I never told anyone that.

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I don't leave the toilet in a public restroom until the other person leaves, so I don't have to make awkward eye contact.

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I meow when my cat meows.

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When I dry my hair after showering I put a towel on my head and look at the mirror pretending I am a mighty naked sheik.

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When in a public bathroom and others are in there, pretend to fix your clothes/hair until everyone has left before you use it.

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I sleep in my underpants every single night

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Surfing nsfw subreddit at work

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pick nose in car and realize people can see you when stopped at a red light

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Questioning why they make the Captcha's(spamblocker) SO hard to read

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when you are you a self flushing urinal/toilet you think it is a tiny camera and think someone is watching you so you rush to finish using the bathroom

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when you're texting in class and you realize you are staring at your crotch and smiling.

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I hump my bed at night and pretend it's a hot model

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Saying an awkward word enough times so that it doesn't sound like a real word anymore

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When you know your alone, you still have to check the whole house.

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Every time i find an insect in my basement i grab it put it in the toilet and pee on it victoriously while its being flushed down. But Im a nice guy, and i worry about this evil hatred i have towards insects.

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I sometimes start moving my hands around "making them fight" pretending they are tiny fighters.

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I masturbate with sandpaper

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I no longer trust any of my local news because they appear to have an agenda

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If I am waiting on someone and they are late, I start mentally listing their faults, flaws and mistakes but feel kind of bad for doing it when they finally show up.

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chew on the side of my teeth

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Think about Facebook chats when your offline!? P.S Am I the only one, REALLY!

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When serving grilled steak, I always make sure I get the best one.

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Walk away in the middle of a sitcom and then play the rest out of the episode in your head while doing something else.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.