I try really hard to come up with a funny joke on antijokes.com, then I give up and come to this website instead.

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Lay down in bed and close my eyes and pretend that the bed is slowly levitating towards the ceiling. When I open my eyes, the bed is back on the ground.

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Whenever I'm in the shower, I never close my eyes because I think someones gonna kill me

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I have shown up for a first date in a friends POS car instead of my own to see if she is too materialistic

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Don't make a sound when sitting in the stall and someone walks in; and in turn, don't say anything to the person in the stall even if you know who it is!

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When a stripper sucks you so hard that the tip of your penis gets circumcised

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Pretend animals talk to you!

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clean my ears with finger if they feel dirty...eat it.

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Pick your dead skin then eat it.

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say "ow" when your character in a video game gets hurt

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i always think people can hear my thoughts.

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Call out the mistakes I see drivers make in front of me.

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spank it during my commute if I am in traffic

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if your behind glass or a window and you see a group outside, imagine their conversation.

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When I use the bathroom at school, I keep the door open with the kickstand and use the stall. It's because I fear that one day, when I'm all alone in the bathroom with the door closed, the fire alarm will go off and scare the living crap out of me. This trick backfires when someone comes in without closing the door and uses the urinal.

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Cover up the webcam on my laptop because I think someone might be watching me through it.

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when u get something right and do a victory dance and the person to u is just like "da hell?"

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I sometimes deliberately missed buses and trains even if I could easily board them.

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If I have a top comment and I see someone else does, I upvote both of ours; friendly competition.

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I sometimes start moving my hands around "making them fight" pretending they are tiny fighters.

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See a sexy girl, wanna go up and talk to her....cant think of anything cool to say and afraid of denial. Just me?

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I always feel chinese accents are unintelligent.

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When at a red you watch the light real close and as soon as it turns green you try to beat the other cars to the other side of intersection

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I hate being called "buddy".

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.