Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Put the porn sound in a really low volume even when you have headphones, just to make sure noone can hear it. Then take off the headphones once in a while to check if it sounds too loud.

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send a text to some one and act like you "meant" to send it to someone else.

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i masturbate with my feet

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Check every spoon fork and knife in the silverware drawer for spots or old food before you choose which one to eat with

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Discovering your friend is an indian (Nicole)

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Believing in the kindness of strangers

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trying not to laugh when reading things that you do in "Things You Only Think You Do" in fear your parents will mistake your laughter as you fapping.

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i see things on this site and am secretly glad im not weird like everyone else

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Kill Jb without getting aressted.

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Left alone Big noise, people aren't expected back as soon so grab baseball bat and charge only to find them back early...."what you doing?" "batting my socks around practising my baseball skills"

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When I was little I used to cover myself all the way up and put pillows around me, then ask my sister if she could see me, trying to be invisible when I sleep just in case someone breaks into my house at night.

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Whenever Terminator 2 is on tv, I become enthralled and can't stop watching even though I've seen it a million times.

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Pretending I'm on my cellphone in public.

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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If someone high fives me on one hand, I need to high five the other one too, or I feel uneven.

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When posting these, I'm rarely able to read the words/letters in the box that prove you're human and not some computer virus. Now I'm starting to think I'm not a human......

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Press harder on the remote when I know the batteries are dead.

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Chew as quietly as possible when eating cookies but as loud as possible when eating fruit.

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Wipe the salt off your hand on your right pant leg after eating salty fries from fast food restaurants.

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when i piss in the toilet, i flush half way through and race the toilet to the finish.

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When you lie in bed and imagine scenarios that will never happen.

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When no one is home, I poop with the door open, just because I can.

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get happy as sh*t when you remember your homework is do after your lunch period so you can do it then, but never end up doing it.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.