only read the short jokes on this website

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Say the Lord's name in vain, then say "sorry God" under my breath right after.

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The power to put a pointless super power on thingsyouthinkonlyyoudo.com

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If my SOLVE media is too long I refresh it to give me a shorter one

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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I use encryption even for everyday, routine communications because f*ck the NSA.

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Pretend like i'm having a conversation with someone talking to somebody on a phone, and randomly say something to go with what the person says.

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carry my cat by holding it's front and back legs

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Put the porn sound in a really low volume even when you have headphones, just to make sure noone can hear it. Then take off the headphones once in a while to check if it sounds too loud.

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whenever I use a public stall I pretend Im not there to avoid unwanted attention

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Picking my nose.

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Play my music so low in public that I can hardly hear it in my headphones for fear of others being able to hear what I'm listening to.

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Having to poop in a certain way to avoid your ass sucking it in again. If it all comes out in one go, the cleaning becomes a lot easier and more satisfying.

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after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

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Thinking about a situation someone else in the world might be in. For example, Someone dying and the pain they must be going through.

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When I was little I used to cover myself all the way up and put pillows around me, then ask my sister if she could see me, trying to be invisible when I sleep just in case someone breaks into my house at night.

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When you're scared of the bathroom and you close your eyes you quickly look around to check if there's a monster or something in the mirror

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Wait until my friends are done eating lunch so I don't have to dump my tray alone.

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Start to cry when your alone, but stop yourself because you don't want to look like a pussy.

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Sometimes I wait a long time to pee when I really have to go. It feels good.

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If im taking a crap in the public washrooms and someone walks in I try to make covering noise as soon as its about to plop.

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eat the muffin bottom because it isn't as good as the top and i want to get it over with

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Flush the toilet before you finish peeing.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.