When I see lost posters of native parrots I always wonder how could I find 1 in a million

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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carry my cat by holding it's front and back legs

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Put the porn sound in a really low volume even when you have headphones, just to make sure noone can hear it. Then take off the headphones once in a while to check if it sounds too loud.

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At work or in public and I am wearing snug pants I think sexy thoughts so I'll have half a hardon and make people think it's that big all time.

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standing at the mall with your group talking, you all decide to start walking to a store, start to follow but half the group stays behind for a few seconds then they start walking, walk a slower pace only to find out that you're in the middle of your split groups e.g. 3 in front 4 behind...dont know which one to merge to......wait for your group to collaborate back together.

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Deside to watch a video in bed on your phone or iPad and drop it on your face...

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Stopping the microwave at 1 second because it's late and you don't want to be loud.

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When well dressed, someone ask me what I do for a living, I say nothing and watch the confused look come over their face.

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Pay attention to commercial breaks to see if there is ever a break without an advertisement about cars or new movies coming out

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I waTch 2 GIRLS AND 1 CUP AND I FAPPED THOSE BITCHES MANY TIMES! HELL YEA! /M\

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Play my music so low in public that I can hardly hear it in my headphones for fear of others being able to hear what I'm listening to.

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Turn volume down on iPod or tv, then turn up one bar to make it seem like it's still loud.

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Love feet. like LOVE feet.

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Discovering your friend is an indian (Nicole)

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Wipe a soda can after somebody else in my family drinks out of it just in case I get sick or I may feel there spit.

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When passed by a very attractive girl in the street, turn around and look after her and/or follow her to the next street corner, in order to grasp more of her beauty.

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I imagine myself having a superpower that could make people see from my point of view. I would just have to lay a hand on them, and suddenly they would understand who I really am.

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try to give your friends spirit animals

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I blow my nose in my towel after i dry off. Then use the same towel the next day. lol

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Everytime aplane is flying low you think it's going to crash right in front of your eyes

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What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

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(okay maybe not a thing I do but something I noticed) When people call themselves "Writers" In today's world you know that might not be the case because we have computers so shouldn't they be called typers?

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Whenever Terminator 2 is on tv, I become enthralled and can't stop watching even though I've seen it a million times.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.