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try to give your friends spirit animals

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Thinking your life is a movie...

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When you're walking and think of something funny and start laughing, but you don't want people to think you're weird, so you pull out your phone and pretend you're texting.

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I have autofocus in my eyes.

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Reading your facebook posts that you wrote a year ago or more, and think of how stupid you were at that time.

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sometimes when i wipe my nose a booger will get on my hand then ill get to lazy to get it off and wipe it under my chair.

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What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

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I find that whenever I go somewhere it always seems to take longer than when I come back home

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only drink milk from a freshly opened carton

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I **** with no hands.

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when you're walking down the streets and you listen to your iPod, you pretend you're part of the music video for that song and when no ones looking, lip sync to the lyrics, as if the camera man's filming you >.

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Thinking you're very popular after you have owned someone at school.

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that time where you open the fridge door and stare at it for like 10 min then close it and walk away?

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Layer the water in the toilet with toilet paper, so when I poo the water does splash back up and splatter poo and water all over my bum

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Whenever you shave, you make sure you cut both ends of your moustache, leaving a small patch in the middle above your lips. Then you pretend to be Hitler ;)

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Go to fart while you have the flu, only to find out it wasn't a fart at all....

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Imagine a little person trapped and about to be crushed in the progress bar.

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Wait until my friends are done eating lunch so I don't have to dump my tray alone.

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i try to spit onto my line of piss while going to the toilet.

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when im lying in bed and fart i bring the blanket up to my nose and smell it. And nod in approval..

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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when listening to pandora just skip through the songs and hit the like or hate buttons and not listen to the music,but then when you want to listen to the music you can't because theres no wifi

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Walking into a room to do something, and then forgetting what you were gonna do.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.