sometimes when I'm eating, I eat with the opposite side of my mouth. just to be fair to it.

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check shower for murder then pee

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Sit at your desk at work and think to yourself "is this it? I feel like I was meant for something bigger, like being an actor or a real life hero." then you look around you and feel bad because you feel like you dumped on everyone else who seem happy wih their lives. Then you go back to your boring desk job anyway.

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When I see someone with similar hair to mine, I stare at them from behind and try to figure out if that's what I look like from the back.

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My daily agenda: wake up take a crap get out of bed...

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I sometimes go out of my way to make sure I have my iPhone with me in the bathroom while taking a poop.

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Pass wind after i ate lasagna.

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When I used to go on car rides at night I would look up at the moon and I would think it was following us.

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When sitting on the pot I whip and then I feel like I have to crap again.

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when you wave at a car thinking its someone you know and it ends up being some old lady.

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Brake for tail-gaters

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I hate when my mom hangs my underwear on the clothesline outside.

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When im alone i rub myself in vasaline and pretend that im a slug on the kitchen floor.

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I think my friends are dumb! I love them so much!!

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Cover the built in webcam on my laptop when I'm using it with a folded piece of paper just in case

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Going to the very last pages of "Things you think you only do" with the lowest ratings and realizing that they really are the only ones who do that stuff...

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I always walk down the hall James Bond style. Gun out, along the wall, looking around corners before I walk into or by a room.

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fart then blame it on the guy next to me realizing theres no one near me and everyone looks at me....awkward

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Having gay sex

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When I was younger I'd lay in bed & think about who I would pick if a person told me that I had to choose between 2 people and the 1 that I don't choose will die.

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I push the door open with my stomach

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Try to acomplish getting the rest of your meal reaady before the microwave timer goes off.

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Whenever I'm chewing on gum that has lost its flavor, I extract the gum from my mouth using my fingers before putting it back in so the flavor would return.

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I often think about how I am a thing inside of a body

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.