If I have to put the garbage out at night I sprint back into the house so the monsters don't get me

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I no longer trust any of my local news because they appear to have an agenda

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When I get bored of sex and p*rn, I download animal "mating" stuff for variation.

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Whilst passing a mega dump or room clearer as my brother calls them I come up with songs...sometimes in spanish

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When I see a 20th Century Fox movie, I always sing the intro.

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listening to music and not realizing ur favorite song is on until the last word

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when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

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Make fun of someone for something. Then realize you do the same thing

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I try to say something, but a bunch of people are talking at the same time so I yell at them to shut up and as soon as I say something I realize I was wrong so I say"okay" as calm as possible to keep from looking like a douche

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Whenever I hear a baby or a young child scream very loud, I imagine that their head will explode.

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when you're fapping and thinking about someone, you either get a text from them moments later, or stop thinking about them because you feel like they are reading your mind.

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When I dry my hair after showering I put a towel on my head and look at the mirror pretending I am a mighty naked sheik.

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Get excited when the captcha says something related to whatever you're posting

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when im alone i pretend to sniper zombies out my bedroom window

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Find myself thinking a completely random meaningless sentence as I'm falling asleep with no idea how I got to that thought.

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Zoning out while looking at something and then trying to find the spot you were looking at when you're out of the zone but you can't find it.

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I lift my butt when I'm farting

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Sometimes I lie in bed and wonder what the house would look like upside down.

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When you had a crush on a girl in elementary school, then don't see her in middle school and think of how much of a bitch she was. Then You start crushing on her again in high school.

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I have won so many competitions online for things like being the 99, 999th visitor on the site

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Walk around downtown and spot good camping spots or sniping spots, cause life is a FPS.

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Brake for tail-gaters

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i get an headache when i each cheese. but i don't get one when i have pizza or cheese and onion crisps

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Only use the left earphone.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.