Every time I miss a gree light by just a couple seconds, I think to myself, "Maybe if I had made that light an out of control semi would be slamming into my car right at this moment." Thank you red light.

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Hope that one day your closet will have a secret world like Narnia...

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I don't like just killing bugs in my home so what I do is I would catch them in a tissue and flush them down my toilet

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I wear my boxers so I can poop through the pee hole

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when in the car with just one parent i get very cautious about what im thinking cuz i feel like they r reading my mind

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Surfing nsfw subreddit at work

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Get excited when the captcha says something related to whatever you're posting

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I used to drive home from my girlfriend's house late at night and stop on a stretch of road to take a leak. I'd walk backwards while peeing, creating a crooked line of pee in the road. I'd add to it night after night, then I'd drive by in the day to see my long pee stain in the road only I knew about. Anyone who passed by could see it, but only I knew what it was. It would last until the next rain and I'd have to start over.

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When buying anything - a book, pint of milk, food, pen - will go to put down the first one you picked up to find a newer one.... Then feel really bad for the other one you put down and go back to that one so it doesn't feel hurt.

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When at someone else's house, trying to use the bathroom, keep a very close eye on the door just to make sure nobody's gonna walk in on you...

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Pour the cheap shampoo I can only afford these days into the empty expensive bottle to trick myself I'm still using the good stuff.

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pick nose in car and realize people can see you when stopped at a red light

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Think about having sex with the dog. You wouldn't, but what if you did?

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A lot of times I'll make up reasons for why different things happen even though I really have absolutely no idea.

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I always feel chinese accents are unintelligent.

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When reading something on the internet highlighting the words, they don't even have to be what you'r reading just highlighting large sections of the article at random.

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Drool a lil bit and continue eating...

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Being able to scare people by awkwardly standing behind them

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Really really happy that resisted getting a facebook or twitter account

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When i was little i used to see people's cars shaking and wondered why they were listening to a song that just goes "BOOM BOOM BOOM"

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When im standing at a urinal and another guy was there before me and i still finish first i pretend like im still peeing so he wont think i have a bladder problem.

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Whenever someone dies I try to guess who will die next so I wont be as shocked

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When I'm laying in bed and I feel my heartbeat, I turn around so I can't feel it because it makes me feel sick.

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Sometimes if I am by myself at the house or in the car I will act completely insane and absurd. This usually involves me screaming incoherent babble, whole body twitching, making absurd faces and doing this thing where I bite my tongue and shake my head violently. If any normal person saw me they would either think I am having a seizure or currently possessed by Satan.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.