Waking up @ 4 AM wondering where your pillow went

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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After brushing my teeth I used to suck the water from it

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When I do something stupid and people are around I hope that nobody saw me and I never tell anyone what I did. But if i do something stupid and I am alone I feel I have to tell somebody.

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turn off the tv by accident and then turn it on only to find that it takes forever to work again

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Archer's Pam poovey, Lana Kane and Malory makes me horny

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When im standing at a urinal and another guy was there before me and i still finish first i pretend like im still peeing so he wont think i have a bladder problem.

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Picking my nose.

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When I'm reading a book and I come to a word that is long or difficult to pronounce every time I come to that word again I pronounce it 'manamanam'.

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If my SOLVE media is too long I refresh it to give me a shorter one

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I always have trouble leaving a airplanes lavatory I never get the door open

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Only I CAN TYPE FUCKlNG FUCKlNG FUCKlNG AS MANY FUCKlNG TIMES I FUCKlNG WANT! Moral the friendly r*pist: FUCKlNG COOL!

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Thinking about life as if its just a dream and wondeing if one day your just going to wake up and be like " wtf just happend".....

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Scratch my scalp and look around the place if there is someone watching me (if no one does) quickly smell my fingers

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When the wind is blowing like crazy, I pretend I am the god who controls it.

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Search up google on bing or yahoo because i feel that google is so much better

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I get mad at women because they menstruate and that's gross. I don't judge one woman individually for it, but I'm disgusted with the whole gender, which leads to being almost disgusted with myself for being attracted to them.

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Know almost every line from spongbob episodes.

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click your pen off of your desk and make it hop in the air

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when walking i always count how many steps i have taken as i go

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When I'm watching something interesting on TV, sometimes i realize they I'm making a weird face so i make sure that i make my face go back to its normal position. This way, my face won't get stuck like that

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Stare at something long enough thinking it will eventually move.

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In a meeting at work, you imagine throwing coffee into your boss's face, just to see what he would do.

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.