When someone is really, really angry is telling me their story, I keep a straight face but I can't help mentally laughing my ass off because of their weird facial expressions. Sorry.

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whenever i'm holding a kitchen knife, i feel super weird like i'm gonna stab someone.... its not like i would ever do that, but i think about what would happen if i just impaled the person that is standing near me with a huge knife.

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This is kind of embarrassing... after I watched "Truman Show" I went home and talked to my mirror like Jim Carrey does in the film.

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pull out a flies wings and let it go

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Refreshing captcha codes for five minutes straight until you find reasonably legible letters.

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Pretend to listen to music, but just do it so nobody talks to me or i simply just ignore them.

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When I’ve got something cooking in the microwave, before actually looking to see how much time is left, I try to guess how much time is left; if I’m correct within 3 seconds on the timer, I actually feel a measure of accomplishment.

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thinking about how you will never understand who in the world thought it was a good idea to spell "Wednesday" like that

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Look at adigital clock sideways when in bed while tryingto sleep and try to make the numbers look like faces

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When I drive I cut corners even at low speeds so that the people behind me think I am experienced race car driver.

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Think about having sex with the dog. You wouldn't, but what if you did?

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Thinking you could be in a "Truman Show" style scenario and scanning areas of your house and possessions for tiny little cameras and microphones.

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Pass wind after i ate lasagna.

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Why are the rich so friggin unhappy?

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sometimes when I'm eating, I eat with the opposite side of my mouth. just to be fair to it.

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My daily agenda: wake up take a crap get out of bed...

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When I walk past a homeless person asking for change, I avoid looking them in the eye and walk faster.

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If I have to put the garbage out at night I sprint back into the house so the monsters don't get me

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Sometimes cringe at the sound when other people scratch themselves

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Feel really paranoid until my game score is a multiple of 5

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When a stripper sucks you so hard that the tip of your penis gets circumcised

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Watched the woman in black then go to bed then suddenly a woman in black comes in my room oh wait it is just my mum saying good night

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Take pieces of loose hair and keep it in a plastic bag in my wallet so if I ever get killed and my ID stolen, my body can still be identified.

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When you look in the mirror, and it ruins your whole day.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.