Text random people saying I'm pregnant

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How is it that celebrities no one likes keep popping up on shows everyone likes

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When eating chips I always look at each side before eating it to choose which side will taste better

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touching something (like a crack in a wall) and then thinking to yourself that your the only person thats ever touched it..

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I piss in the bed every night

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When you do something really cool but no one is there to see it and it's pointless to try and tell them about it because they don't believe you

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Sometimes I walk around my house with my eyes closed and pretend I'm blind.

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Complimenting a girl awkwardly,and then smiling stupidly later and thinking of alternate versions of the conversation that happened!!

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After eating a banana I leave the last bit that was in the bottom

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right click refresh on desktop. Repeat

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Whenever I hear a baby or a young child scream very loud, I imagine that their head will explode.

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Wash my hands after i use the toilet.

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Sometimes I blink and act like I am taking a picture with my eyes.

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I mean Diana Ross.

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i leave tv on when i sleep...cant close it cause i hate to hear....noices...in my bedroom that cant identify......

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When you're alone in a room and you have to turn on the TV so it's not as silent...

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When I wake up after having a good dream I try to remember it but I don't

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I wear my boxers so I can poop through the pee hole

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Wonder if anyone doesn't actually talk to themselves for some reason or another at some point in their life. (If so, how can talking to yourself be the first sign of madness? So many people do it...)

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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Put toilet paper in the toilet before I'm going to take a shit, so that the toilet won't get dirty.

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pick nose in car and realize people can see you when stopped at a red light

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Say 'she's not here' when someone that I don't know calls and asks for me.

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walking up steps in the dark and you think you've gotten to the top but there's actually one more step and you panic because you think your going to fall

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.