Criticize a porn novel for its poor use of the English language

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Run into a wall and say "I'm sorry" and then realize that it's just a wall.

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Sometimes while texting or messaging, I enact the physical gestures that accompany what I'm saying as if it were an in-person conversation, even though no one can see me.

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I pretend I'm a really popular YouTuber and talk to nobody thinking they're my subscribers.

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Try to time the traffic light so that when I snap, my light turns green. Always so so close.

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When i think about something hilarious that happened previously and laugh about it days later at the most innappropriate time.

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When I'm walking in the street and I hear a car coming from behind I try to beat it by running to the closest telephonepole.

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I think of who will I save if a killer come to school

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acting as if you can shoot with a banana

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blink

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think that you are wasting way too much time on this website and that you could be exercising right now or be doing a million more productive things than righting about doing more productive things on things you think only you do.

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Sometimes I'll say quotes from movies or TV shows out loud to myself.

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Think about the same confusing random dilemas that dont involve me every week and alwaus come to the same conclusion

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RE:" pee on the side of the toilet" you dont pee on the side of the toilet so it isn't loud. you pee on the side so it doesn't splash on you're legs as much.

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My daily agenda: wake up take a crap get out of bed...

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Skip the first 3 minutes of "Free Bird" because it's too slow.

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When I'm on a site that requires you to login with Facebook or Twitter to leave a comment, I click on the names of the nice looking ones to go see their pages to add them to my friends list.

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Every time you use a vending machine you hope you get lucky and 2 things drop down.

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When i close the refrigiator door, i re-open it and give it a good shove to make sure it tight.

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I deeply pick my nose with tweezers. It's like the relief of pooping to me.

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Hide your I pod when your parents walk in at 12pm and then go back to what ever you were doing when they leave.

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Find that the kettle has recently been used and still contains hot water so decide to have a cup of tea just so that boiling that water wasn't a waste. Think that it might have cooled down by now. Reboil the water.

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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When masturbating at night, looking at the window paranoid that someone is watching. But stopping or moving out of view.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.