start telling someone a story and then realize that i would only be funny if they actually saw it.

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I always have trouble leaving a airplanes lavatory I never get the door open

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Vigorously scratch my head over a black surface and watch the dandruff fall like snowflakes....then eat it.

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HEY! YOU! Yeah you! I can speak you only, NO! Nobody else here! Yeah you only you, by the way you are a dirty piece of s**t you mothe* F**ker! YEAH ITS YOU! I HATE YOU! EVERYBODY HATES YOU YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! *end of special message just for you*

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after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

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When you have the " If I'm on an elevator and it breaks and is about to crash at the bottom, and I jump up before it does, will I live?" thought.

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Go through a bunch of the boxes with the messed up letters (The ones making sure your not a robot) trying to find one you like. Then, click the refresh button and realize that the last one might have been the best one you were going to get.

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Write a word then wonder if it's spelt with an i or and e so just put them both in but do it in such a way that the person reading it won't know whether you didn't know the spelling or misspelled it then realized your mistake and tried to fix it.

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Pretend you are turning Super Saiyan when sat on the toilet

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Boy:did it hurt? Me: Did what hurt? Boy:When you fell from heaven. Me: I came frome the pits of hell! Boy: Well then...O__O

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Imagine I'm walking in slow motion when I enter a bar or club

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I was not born in the country I am living in now

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I find that whenever I go somewhere it always seems to take longer than when I come back home

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I hum the MLP:FIM theme and hope no one recognizes the tune.

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Go for a 10 mile run.

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Get somewhat worried about myself if I'm thumbed down on THIS SITE.

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Analyzing what could be wrong or false about your religion and God, then shooing the thoughts away in fear you won't get into Heaven.

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Start the shower so no one hears you shit bricks

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Glance at your friend beside you, smile to yourself, and think, "I could murder them."

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You're taking a poo, and you're bored. You use your thighs as drums to pass the time.

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Hate when people ask "do you have a bathroom?" It's like "no we crap in the yard!"

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When I Download A Song Or Movie And The Download Speed Slows Down I Think The FBI Is Tracking Me.

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I wonder if sport games are rigged?

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Delete the whole password when I mess up only the one letter.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.