masturbate as soon as the opportunity arrises. "You'll be home alone all day" "Ok, bye.....*fap fap fap*"

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Chewing your chips softer so you can hear the tv

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My brother (who is 2 years younger) and I have our own language, consisting of movie quotes and silly stuff we made up when we were little. We speak it with abandon when we're alone, and try as hard as we can to suppress it when we're with a friend. But sometimes some of it slips out, and the friend looks at us like he's the guy who isn't in on the joke; I always get the feeling he or she thinks the two of us are crazy. By the way, if you're the third person in company with two close siblings who are speaking their own secret language, don't ask them to explain or look at them like they're crazy. They're not nuts, and you won't understand, even if they try to explain. Just let it pass.

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Every time I miss a gree light by just a couple seconds, I think to myself, "Maybe if I had made that light an out of control semi would be slamming into my car right at this moment." Thank you red light.

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Feeling stupid when you're watching a funny movie and you laugh by yourself. So you look around and stop laughing.

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If someone tells me what I did when I was drinking and it's stupid or embarrassing I pretend I don't remember because I was too drunk.

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Pretend to listen to music, but just do it so nobody talks to me or i simply just ignore them.

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I like to eat tomato soup and peanut butter sandwiches...its not as gross as it sounds

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When standing in long lines (stores, banks etc..) I think about how other people would react if I puked all over the place with no warning.

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I hit the frig after sex

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I don't care about who a celebrity dates or marries. Why should I?

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Drop something down the side of the couch, say that you'll get it in a minute and then forget about it

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play Simpsons episodes in my head...way too often

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Start thinking about my blinking and feel that I am blinking weird

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Pull your headphones away from your ear when you're listening to music to see if it's too loud.

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Sometimes I think of doing really bad things and smirk, only to later regret even thinking of it and start questioning myself while feeling bad about it.

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Press cancel on your toaster before it finishes so that you can eat faster

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Try to do things while waiting for the microwave.

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Writing/ Typing "wemon" to represent more than 1 women, but then realizing that it's not actually a word...

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Dutch oven myself when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep

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Sometimes when I'm laughing really hard I awkwardly clap my hands.

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i can't watch the t.v. unless the volume ends in a 0 or 5

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I refuse to take dump with the shower curtain closed. I know someone's behind it...

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Put a few bits of toilet paper in the toilet before having a poo so there is no splash!

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.