When im out with my dad in the car i swear traffic lights always seem to go to red when were coming

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When well dressed, someone ask me what I do for a living, I say nothing and watch the confused look come over their face.

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When I'm walking I look up at nothing in particular and it causes everyone else to look up too!

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I think something is gonna get me at night when I walk out of my brothers roomso I look behind me and run and usually bump into a wall

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Before I meet someone I've never met before, I think of stuff to say or do to prevent it from being awkward, but when I finally meet them I do none of the things I thought about doing.

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I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

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eat curry and don't complain about its spiciness ...if you're not white

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When the wind is blowing like crazy, I pretend I am the god who controls it.

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i answer "why" to questions and then when someone gets pissed i say "when" Hey Jim, how's Mary? Why? Because she's your sister and I care about you. Why? Because you're my best friend. Why? STOP IT! When?

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I think my friends are dumb! I love them so much!!

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only drink milk from a freshly opened carton

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Fire imaginary rocket launchers at passenger planes flying overhead, then panic thinking what if it really blows up?

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk and uninsured and killing innocent legal people or injuring them for life and leaving them in medical debt.

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Avoid eating at parties to look as though you're not hungry

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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(Men) When you have to poop and pee at the same time, you stand to pee, and THEN sit to poop. Just out of principle.

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When dunking oreos I like to hold it under the milk and watch the bubbles til they stop

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I like to go out without shoes on hot days and play the floor is lava

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I always have trouble leaving a airplanes lavatory I never get the door open

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Make up a song to yourself.

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If someone high fives me on one hand, I need to high five the other one too, or I feel uneven.

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Laying alone in bed at night and then every single scary thought, face, image, movie, or whatever starts playing in your mind.

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Make fun of someone for something. Then realize you do the same thing

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check to see if post has any likes right after posting it. then have second thoughts about it.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.