I throw a piece of paper in the toilet and try to "sink it" either with my "super stream wave" and if it does not work, I unleash my secret (but not always available weapon) "dept charge bombs".

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I'm a guy and I like to wear swimwear as underwear

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I hid money in a jar behind a brick in the house I lived in and forgot about it. I've since moved to another state but I didn't remember I left the cash behind until years later.

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Try to think of something nice when then thinks I the scariest things

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feel like im being watched turn my head sideways and see someone suddenly look away.

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Sleeping with one leg under the blanket and one out.

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test how many stares you can scale in one step

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When im home alone, i watch porn with the volume turned up really loud.

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Leftovers are better than the actual meal ;)

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use the hair drier to dry my balls after shower

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When I blow my nose I think I'm blowing my brains out and certain parts of things I learned at school are going into the tissue and will be forgotten forever.

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Hide your I pod when your parents walk in at 12pm and then go back to what ever you were doing when they leave.

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Being stuck in a traffic jam and wishing I could just apparate

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Flush the toilet before you finish peeing

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Love feet. like LOVE feet.

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sometimes when i see a cop cruising around i try and act suspicious to see if they pull me over.

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Vigorously scratch my head over a black surface and watch the dandruff fall like snowflakes....then eat it.

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YEET! TURN UP! KEEP IT ONEHUNNIT DADDY!! YAS GAGA YASS!! SIGN ME UP FOR THAT!! PU$$Y ON FLEEK!! PULLOUT GAME STRONG! LARRY IS REAL!! IMMA LET YOU FINISH!! IMMA REAL G! HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT!!!!!! I SAID HA! BITCH WHERE??? GIVE ME SOME ASS!! WHAT ARE THOOOSE!!! WHERE THEY AT THO?! BITCH BETTA HAVE MUH MONEY! FCK HER RIGHT IN THE PSSY! EAT THAT BOOTY LIKE GROCERIES!!!!! SURFBOARD! IM NOT GAY NO MORE! WHO'S YOUR DADDY? HOW YOU LIKE DEM APPLES?!! QUEEN! SLAY!

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When I'm watching something interesting on TV, sometimes i realize they I'm making a weird face so i make sure that i make my face go back to its normal position. This way, my face won't get stuck like that

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Start walking down a busy street or mall, and realise I've gone the wrong way. Suddenly stop and pretend to read something on my phone for a few seconds before turning round and walking the right way.

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk and uninsured and killing innocent legal people or injuring them for life and leaving them in medical debt.

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i answer "why" to questions and then when someone gets pissed i say "when" Hey Jim, how's Mary? Why? Because she's your sister and I care about you. Why? Because you're my best friend. Why? STOP IT! When?

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Everytime aplane is flying low you think it's going to crash right in front of your eyes

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I can't piss with my shoes on.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.