Being stuck in a traffic jam and wishing I could just apparate

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Inspect the shower, bath or toilet, then washing it until you believe it is suitable to use.

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Before I meet someone I've never met before, I think of stuff to say or do to prevent it from being awkward, but when I finally meet them I do none of the things I thought about doing.

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Dad, what's that dark place over there? That's Chorley son, you must never go there.

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Imagine myself going back in time and giving my friends and family little hints on how their life will pan out.

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eat curry and don't complain about its spiciness ...if you're not white

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i see things on this site and am secretly glad im not weird like everyone else

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I used to shower with my cat which struggles like hell, even though it loves getting fucking filthy, one day it even bit my dick. I still shower with my cat.

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk and uninsured and killing innocent legal people or injuring them for life and leaving them in medical debt.

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After getting up from the grass, I use my foot to move the grass I was sitting on around so that there isn't a butt print in the grass.

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I hate it when people assume I'm smart just because I don't speak much and I wear glasses.

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I wake up right before the "sexy" part happens...

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click your pen off of your desk and make it hop in the air

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When someone wants to kill a bug, I'll get insane and catch the bug, then run out and release the bug while saying "NOW YOU'RE FREE!!!!!"

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Sometimes I blow my nose on yesterday's socks because it is the closest thing to the bed in the morning and I'm too lazy to get up and go for a tissue. O_o

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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Sometimes I wait a long time to pee when I really have to go. It feels good.

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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as you walk down the street, you pretend that all of the people were zombies and you pretend you have a gun and give them headshots (even imitate the gunshot with your mouth) -MATT

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Always have your feet under the cover, and if not, you think that something will get you.

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Pretend my ski pole is a gun while I'm on the chair lift. Or just any object around when I'm not skiing.

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Go for a 10 mile run.

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When you are almost crying while laughing in a silent area, you have to think terrible thoughts just to get rid of the laughing.

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I sleep in my underpants every single night

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.