Criticize a porn novel for its poor use of the English language

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How funny would it be if plants were trying to kill us but they move too slow to get us

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Be a loner at school

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I still put my thumb in my mouth, BUT only because I like the feel of putting my eye lashes under my fingernails and my thumb inconveniantly fits in my mouth. Now I know I'm the only person in the world who does this. I'm trying to drop the habit. But it feels so GOOD!

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moving your hand with objects that are already moving and pretending you have the force.

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I randomly hold my boobs in my room.

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When I dont feel like sweeping I sweep the stuff under the fridge or something

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I used to eat bath bubbles

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Right before I go to the dentist I brush my teeth.

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When I see someone with similar hair to mine, I stare at them from behind and try to figure out if that's what I look like from the back.

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When I haven't looked in a mirror for a while, I worry that I look awful, and when I get to a mirror, I'm like "Oh yeah, that's what I look like".

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Whenever on a car ride, pretend you are in a military convoy and shoot at pursuing helicopters and soldiers.

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When I'm drinking something, I slosh the glass back and forth a long with my head to try and get what I'm drinking into my mouth.

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Manage to be more AWESOME! THAN YOU IN EVERY SINGLE WAY! YES YOU! YOU DONT HIDE FROM ME! YEAH CHANGE THE PAGE LIKE THE PUSSY YOU ARE, COME OVER HERE INTO THE SCREEN (NOT HOME IM NAKED AND NOT IN THE MOOD FOR RAPING NOW SO YEAH ANYWAY) MORAL; THE ORIGINAL NOT THE CULT MORAL CODE FUCK ASSHOLE OKAY? DO I SEEM LIKE I WANT A CULT? OR THAT I JUST WANT TO CHAINSAW THE HEAD OF YOUR DOG AND PACK IT IN A NICE GIFT BOX FOR YOU? HUUUUUH!?

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Think of the most awkward or dreadful thing you could possibly do in any given situation and be almost compelled to do it but then realising that you could never show your face anywhere ever again if you did.

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When I'm on a site that requires you to login with Facebook or Twitter to leave a comment, I click on the names of the nice looking ones to go see their pages to add them to my friends list.

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fall asleep in the shower.

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Sometimes when I look at a clock the seconds hand ticks backwards

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You tell your friends that you hate the Rick roll'd song even though you secretly like it.

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When I'm sitting on the toilet, I try to make piss and crap come out at the same time.

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When masturbating at night, looking at the window paranoid that someone is watching. But stopping or moving out of view.

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eat cake in a bowl with milk the way you would eat a bowl of cereal

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No ones home. Go to youtube and do karaoke. Can the neighbors here me? Guess im not talking to them ever again...

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(1) In the middle of a conversation, I start to think of all the crazy stuff I could do even though I would never want to i.e. punching them in the face, making out with them, flashing them.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.