Put the porn sound in a really low volume even when you have headphones, just to make sure noone can hear it. Then take off the headphones once in a while to check if it sounds too loud.

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I talk through my teeth when i am talking to my pets.

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Get annoyed when I click on the "popular" button and it's always the same things.

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When im out with my dad in the car i swear traffic lights always seem to go to red when were coming

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When I blow my nose I think I'm blowing my brains out and certain parts of things I learned at school are going into the tissue and will be forgotten forever.

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Stopping the microwave at 1 second because it's late and you don't want to be loud.

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trying not to laugh when reading things that you do in "Things You Only Think You Do" in fear your parents will mistake your laughter as you fapping.

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Write a word then wonder if it's spelt with an i or and e so just put them both in but do it in such a way that the person reading it won't know whether you didn't know the spelling or misspelled it then realized your mistake and tried to fix it.

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i masturbate with my feet

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Check every spoon fork and knife in the silverware drawer for spots or old food before you choose which one to eat with

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eat curry and don't complain about its spiciness ...if you're not white

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Imagine myself going back in time and giving my friends and family little hints on how their life will pan out.

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Going to the bathroom in public just to scratch my butt

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eating a sandwich with strategically placed bites such that i get the same ratio of crust to tastier non-crust sandwich center in each bite. sometimes i just take two smaller bites of crust and center part so that i don't have to taste mostly bread crust in a mouthful.

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Slowly close the fridge door to see when the light bulb turns off.

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Left alone Big noise, people aren't expected back as soon so grab baseball bat and charge only to find them back early...."what you doing?" "batting my socks around practising my baseball skills"

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk and uninsured and killing innocent legal people or injuring them for life and leaving them in medical debt.

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Whenever Terminator 2 is on tv, I become enthralled and can't stop watching even though I've seen it a million times.

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I **** with no hands.

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Wait until my friends are done eating lunch so I don't have to dump my tray alone.

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You are thinking of really awkward moments that happened earlier in the day so then you subconsciously say a bunch of random things quickly out loud to get the thought of the awkward moment out of your head.

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(Men) When you have to poop and pee at the same time, you stand to pee, and THEN sit to poop. Just out of principle.

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I always have trouble leaving a airplanes lavatory I never get the door open

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Pretend my ski pole is a gun while I'm on the chair lift. Or just any object around when I'm not skiing.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.