When I fart in public, I always pretend that nothing ever happened.

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Rub a pen tip between my fingers.

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Before going to the bathroom, check behind the shower curtains for serial killers.

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When there are multiple puddles on the sidewalk you try and jump in every single one of them

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I wonder if elections are rigged?

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Accidently send an empty text or text multiple people and send wrong text to wrong person

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Set multiple alarms to wake me up in the morning so I dont just turn it off and fall back asleep

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I try to sympathize when some celebrity butthole has problems but, I can't.

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I hold my breath in elevators

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I still put my thumb in my mouth, BUT only because I like the feel of putting my eye lashes under my fingernails and my thumb inconveniantly fits in my mouth. Now I know I'm the only person in the world who does this. I'm trying to drop the habit. But it feels so GOOD!

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wipe all the water off my body (predrying myself) before i get out of the shower, and dry myself with the towel

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Feel like something is behind you/watching you, run to your room super quickly and get into the room before that something gets you

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I refuse to take dump with the shower curtain closed. I know someone's behind it...

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I chuckle whenever I hear the phase "Stark raving mad." I don't know why.

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When home alone and you hear a noise getting out a gun/weapon.

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I put the volume on my television so it is on any number divisible by five (5-10-15 etc. etc.)

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Change the channel when a Progressive commercial comes on because I can't STAND that stupid Flo girl.

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Manage to be more AWESOME! THAN YOU IN EVERY SINGLE WAY! YES YOU! YOU DONT HIDE FROM ME! YEAH CHANGE THE PAGE LIKE THE PUSSY YOU ARE, COME OVER HERE INTO THE SCREEN (NOT HOME IM NAKED AND NOT IN THE MOOD FOR RAPING NOW SO YEAH ANYWAY) MORAL; THE ORIGINAL NOT THE CULT MORAL CODE FUCK ASSHOLE OKAY? DO I SEEM LIKE I WANT A CULT? OR THAT I JUST WANT TO CHAINSAW THE HEAD OF YOUR DOG AND PACK IT IN A NICE GIFT BOX FOR YOU? HUUUUUH!?

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When I haven't looked in a mirror for a while, I worry that I look awful, and when I get to a mirror, I'm like "Oh yeah, that's what I look like".

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acting as if you can shoot with a banana

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When I'm home alone at night I check around the corners to make sure there isn't anyone there

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Whenever you make cereal, you eat exactly where you make it like on the table.

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I can only play a piano with my right hand

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Before going to bed look around the dark room and when you see something suspicious you have a look to see its not a person

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.