When I get in the car I look in the backseat for monsters or psychopathic killers and as I am turning to check I say out loud 'Oh, maybe my book is in the backseat, let me check' so the monster or killer doesn't know I'm really looking back there for them. That way they might not kill me.

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turn the cover of a magazine around because i have a weird paranoia that the government slipped in tiny cameras on the eyes of the person in the cover.

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Sometimes, I wonder why god or the big bang ever existed in the first place and why there is a universe in the first place ... And it makes my brain hurt!

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Imagining how it would feel to switch bodies with your crush

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Lay between the wall and the bed when the bed is pefectly fine

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When in a outhouse I get scared that I can't unlock the door. This one time in the winter the lock froze and I was almost stuck

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I stick used soap to a new soap so I don't waste it.

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Leave those last one or two sheets of toilet paper after taking a crap just so you don't have to replace it.

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Wake up after a dream. About a day later you think about if it was real or not.

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get some of the lyrics to a song wrong. you know theyre wrong, but continue to sing the wrong words anyway, because the real words just don't seem to fit.

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When there are multiple puddles on the sidewalk you try and jump in every single one of them

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When ever i hear music that i like i imagine im in a fight and i know martial arts with people i dont know

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Imagine your in action movies and die for a girl while your lying there trying too sleep and realising you are deep in thought about something that your too chicken to do.

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After masterbating, I wonder if my dead relatives can just see what I did?

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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When A situation Doesn't go how I wanted it to go, It annoys me so much I sometimes shit in my hands and clap.

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Whenever I watch TV, the volume has to be on multiples of 5. Even if the perfect volume is in between.

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When at a restaurant you practice your order inside your head, then when you actually have to order you mess it up.

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I sometimes start thinking about very non sexual things in the middle of masturbation, like what I'm going to wear the next day.

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I throw a piece of paper in the toilet and try to "sink it" either with my "super stream wave" and if it does not work, I unleash my secret (but not always available weapon) "dept charge bombs".

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Paranoid someone is reading your mind, so you think something weird to see if they look at you

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Realizing that I can just yell out the word "Fuck!" and no one can stop me.

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when passing someone in a car beside you, you try to wonder where they are going just by looking at them, their clothes or their expressions

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I'm a guy and I like to wear swimwear as underwear

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.