When im out with my dad in the car i swear traffic lights always seem to go to red when were coming

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humiliating little girls

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expecting to get on this website to find something funny but instead finding crappy posts.

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When sitting on the pot I whip and then I feel like I have to crap again.

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Hold my pen or pencil with two fingers cued against my palm and two fingers sliding up the pen with my thumb in between them.

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Pronounce hors d'oeuvres 'whores-dev-ers' thinking I'm so witty.

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Have a dream about somebody being mean to me. Proceed to be mean to them in real life.

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Write a word then wonder if it's spelt with an i or and e so just put them both in but do it in such a way that the person reading it won't know whether you didn't know the spelling or misspelled it then realized your mistake and tried to fix it.

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Nodding while talking on the phone then remembering the person can't see you

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Hate when I can't sleep and the sun starts to come up and I hear birds chirping and i get worried and just realize that I should be happy that it's a new day and to relax.

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When I watch porn, I only watch like the first 5-10 minutes of it. To be honest I wonder why people bother making them longer too.

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poke fun at somebody and pray for forgiveness the following night

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When I'm in the shower, I talk to myself, usually about my plans for video game procedures.

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Sometimes when I'm bored I start shouting things in German.

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check behind the shower curtain before taking a piss xD E E S

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Trying to preform oral on yourself.... And failing.

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I use my magic powers to give shaddy politicians their comeuppance (I don't have any magic powers lol)

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get under the covers and curl up into a ball to get warm really fast

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Sometimes I wonder if my life is a dream and oneday I'll wake up as a newborn baby

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Be talking to someone about something random, then a few days later or so... something very relevant to that happens, then you think to yourself "I'm sure I can tell the future"... I'm very confident that, that is just me...

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realize that no one is listening to me talk so I say something completely random to try and get there attention

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Say something smart in class, then worry your friends will rip ony uo for it half way through saying it, so end it by saying "or something like that."

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make it a point of interest to know every word to a song that nobody likes. (i.e. call me maybe) >.>

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Sitting on a toilet in a public bathroom and staying silent until everyone leaves, so you do not feel the embarrassment

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.