Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

When I'm watching a movie I have already seen I hope for a different ending but soon realize it won't happen

When im home alone, i watch porn with the volume turned up really loud.

Count the number of times someone knocks on a door on television.

use the hair drier to dry my balls after shower

OMG have you ever realized that one of your eyes is showing everything more reddish and the other one showing everything more bluish just like these old 3d glasses

Hide your I pod when your parents walk in at 12pm and then go back to what ever you were doing when they leave.

Only use the left earphone.

when you wake up in the morning to a text and you read it with one eye open

send a text to some one and act like you "meant" to send it to someone else.

Being stuck in a traffic jam and wishing I could just apparate

I TALK WITH PEDOBEAR ABOUT OUR BUSINESS ;)

Check every spoon fork and knife in the silverware drawer for spots or old food before you choose which one to eat with

Write angry notes into your search browser in case any Russian spies are watching.

Start walking down a busy street or mall, and realise I've gone the wrong way. Suddenly stop and pretend to read something on my phone for a few seconds before turning round and walking the right way.

When you're walking and think of something funny and start laughing, but you don't want people to think you're weird, so you pull out your phone and pretend you're texting.

Go to bed at 9 am and then regret whole day is wasted

I **** with no hands.

Feeling very uncomfortable for days, untill your motivation finally reaches that point when you start learning for the exam.

I was not born in the country I am living in now

stare at someone then when they turn around look all around the room pretending you weren't looking at them

I hum the MLP:FIM theme and hope no one recognizes the tune.

When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

If i've been thinking about a particular person a lot, afterwards if people are telling a story or describing a scenario, I always picture the person I was thinking of before as the person as the main character in their story/scenario.

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.