- Things You Think Only You Do

If someone tells me what I did when I was drinking and it's stupid or embarrassing I pretend I don't remember because I was too drunk.

when i wake up from a dream and it was an amazing dream. then i try to fall back asleep to have it again...it doesn't work

When you think about your life then think your parents had to have sex to make you. Then start thinking about all the gross old teachers you've had that probably had sex. Then when you get older your parents tell you about all the times they had sex when you were in the house.

Trying to figure out what form of suicide would hurt the least.

right click refresh on desktop. Repeat

Try to make a turd that touches the bottom of the toilet before it breaks off.

If I have to get up early the following day I will surprisingly wake up early even without an alarm

Lay between the wall and the bed when the bed is pefectly fine

Waiting alone inside a public toilet for someone to come in and open the door.... so you don't have to touch the handle!

Look at adigital clock sideways when in bed while tryingto sleep and try to make the numbers look like faces

When I drink out of a disposable coffee cup with a lid, the opening on the lid has be on the exact opposite side from the seam where the cup is glued to form the cylinder.

sometimes when im in the shower and i hear the slightest bump i look behind the curtains to see if anyone is about to scare me

after dialing a number and clicking "call" constanly rehearse what your going to say when the other person picks up the line

I pretend to get future messages. Like when I'm about to have a bad subject. I get a message from future me telling present me like 'Oh god. Yeah, brace yourself for science today.'

Leave those last one or two sheets of toilet paper after taking a crap just so you don't have to replace it.

when you're fapping and thinking about someone, you either get a text from them moments later, or stop thinking about them because you feel like they are reading your mind.

I try to sympathize when some celebrity butthole has problems but, I can't.

Sometimes I look at security cameras and start to act suspiciously like I'm up to something... but really... I'm not.

I chuckle whenever I hear the phase "Stark raving mad." I don't know why.

When alone at home turn on all the lights before it gets darker.

Change the channel when a Progressive commercial comes on because I can't STAND that stupid Flo girl.

Cannot even read a word when a blonde lady sits in front of me in a library.

I still hum songs that I made up when I was a little kid

Whenever I watch TV, the volume has to be on multiples of 5. Even if the perfect volume is in between.

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.