When I see lost posters of native parrots I always wonder how could I find 1 in a million

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Sometimes I think my shit smells delicious... and I cant believe I am actually not only typing it here, but "finally" admitting it to myself.

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually in a coma and that everything is just a dream and my parents are standing over me watching me and wishing their daughter was awake

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not eating the ends of a hotdog.

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When you are reading a book and find that you are narrating the words you read in the book, to yourself. You feel weird, so you try to stop doing this by reading further or focusing more on the book.

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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Count the number of times someone knocks on a door on television.

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carry my cat by holding it's front and back legs

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Pretending there is a man running beside you during a long car journey and jumping over obstacles

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Stopping the microwave at 1 second because it's late and you don't want to be loud.

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I have memorized my drivers license registration number

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When I'm walking I look up at nothing in particular and it causes everyone else to look up too!

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Fake an orgasm after only 30 seconds, watch the "wtf" look on her face then laugh hysterically.

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Only use the left earphone.

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Take pieces of loose hair and keep it in a plastic bag in my wallet so if I ever get killed and my ID stolen, my body can still be identified.

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start telling someone a story and then realize that i would only be funny if they actually saw it.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLENDA!!!

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When I'm listening to a sad song that relates to my life while I'm walking all alone, I mouth the words and pretend I'm in a music video.

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rub your face on your legs after shaving to feel how smooth they are.

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watch reality t.v. when you're feeling guilty and think to yourself "at least I'm not as bad as that"

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I like asking my wife how her SIMIANS are doing (the sims 4) because its fun watching her try to hide the fact that it annoys her. Nero, now if you thought Moral Man the Friendly neighbourhood r*pist was bad... Well, thumb me down I dare you! Seriously I totally did not have a certain bitch turkish hacker put a tracker on my laptop si I can find out where you live... And pay some guy to break your kneecaps... I only done it twice though... Here on horsehead network :) Third time is a charm ;) NERO: Actually I paid people five times, the fourth did not do his job, so I pay a fifth to FINISH HIM! (Sometimes I think people on craigslist just like to kill for the fun of it, seriously, eighty bucks?)

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I have autofocus in my eyes.

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I think my friends are dumb! I love them so much!!

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I Never read the Terms of Service but click the box anyway .

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.