Criticize a porn novel for its poor use of the English language

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after dialing a number and clicking "call" constanly rehearse what your going to say when the other person picks up the line

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When in a outhouse I get scared that I can't unlock the door. This one time in the winter the lock froze and I was almost stuck

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In the shower i let water run down my hands so it looks like i'm shooting water out of my fingers.

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Opening the fridge door, then trying to accomplish pouring a drink, before the door seals itself forever leaving the cola to the mercy of the outside world.

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Whe someone buys you a gift and you think they have installed a camera into it or can somehow mentally see you when that gift is near you. Resulting in you acting strange around that it or when you are present in the same room as that gift

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Whenever I get sweaty I put baby powder around my groin area and under arms. Ramos

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When I was a kid and I misbehaved when my dad used to smack me I would put emphasis in my cries to let him think that I got the lesson.

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Feel like something is behind you/watching you, run to your room super quickly and get into the room before that something gets you

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get some of the lyrics to a song wrong. you know theyre wrong, but continue to sing the wrong words anyway, because the real words just don't seem to fit.

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Going to the bathroom in public just to scratch my butt

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I chuckle whenever I hear the phase "Stark raving mad." I don't know why.

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Emmy Jackson Y U ALWAYS ANGRY WHEN SOMEONE SAY HI

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when your professor describes their wife or husband you imagine their wife or husband.

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Sometimes I find myself staring at the television only to realize its off.

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Walking around on the streets wondering if you are really walking in place, and the earth is spinning according to how you walk, like a treadmill.

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fart and then breathe it in really quick hoping no one else smells it first

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When a passneger in the car, I sing songs in my head and hope the song is in time with the signs and streetlights as I drive past them.

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Find myself thinking a completely random meaningless sentence as I'm falling asleep with no idea how I got to that thought.

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When people are walking behind me I automatically think they are staring at my ass and get self-conscious.

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I always ask myself "Why am I me?". But have never come up with a good answer.

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Write b as d and d as b or p as q and q as p. I mostly write b as d and d as b since I've learned the alphabet. Trying not to do that now

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when your doing something or going somewhere you think didn't I already do this, like your back in time.

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I make sims of everyone I know and make them have kids together.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.