Trying to preform oral on yourself.... And failing.

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I love myself, my wife, the threesomes, and I STILL spend time with you! Moral: Which must mean YOURE WINNER! AND STUFF! Either that or you are a sad fuck, cant argue...

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Sometimes I wonder if my life is a dream and oneday I'll wake up as a newborn baby

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Sing every word to Bohemian Rhapsody every time you hear it in the most dramatic way possible.

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Chew as quietly as possible when eating cookies but as loud as possible when eating fruit.

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Say something smart in class, then worry your friends will rip ony uo for it half way through saying it, so end it by saying "or something like that."

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Sitting on a toilet in a public bathroom and staying silent until everyone leaves, so you do not feel the embarrassment

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I take a poop and then stand up to pee because I'm a man

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When in shower, I turn the heat to max for a few minutes to warm up the whole bathroom.

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You're taking a poo, and you're bored. You use your thighs as drums to pass the time.

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Burp, and then automatically say burp afterwards.

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Sometimes when I go to a drive in restaurant, and get an order of fries, I empty the bag out, and there are a few fries in the bottom of the bag. I Enjoy those the most, as I feel they were free

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I sometimes watch entire movies with the sound off and a good album playing.

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wait up to 14 days just to find the opportunity to use one, really good, joke.

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When at Burger King, McDonalds etc. I always finish the drink before the food so that I still have the taste of the food in my mouth when I'm finished.

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Try to do things while waiting for the microwave.

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Create the perfect song/poem/philosophical theory/scientific discovery right before you fall asleep and forget it in the morning.

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when you're in the car, look outside and count every single lamp-post until the car stops

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I always have to watch the credits of a movie even, though everyone else has left the theatre and there are people cleaning up the seats, which makes me think, they think i'm crazy.

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hover over public toilets and end up leaving a sprinkling of pee that lands uniformly all over on the seat then use a big wad of TP and my foot to wipe down the seat.

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Spend a ton of time on the way you look and the clothes you choose, then going out in public and imagining you're a celeb.

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When i get a back shiver. That's when i know something bad going to happen.

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I wonder do females have morning wood equivalent?

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I combine every item on my plate in all the possible ways, then i eat the worst part of the meal and save the best part til last.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.