I have minions that do what I want because pleasing me makes them happy. Moral: I control, the way you move, how do you like my grove zerg dude?

thumb_up thumb_down -112

Use the massaging shower head on my anus to power blast the poop plaque away

thumb_up thumb_down -114

Sometimes when someone says something to me, I will hear them perfectly clear, but I will instinctively say "what?"

thumb_up thumb_down -134

Walking into a room to do something, and then forgetting what you were gonna do.

thumb_up thumb_down +57

When your watching a YouTube video and you have to watch an AD, you mute it and turn your head away because your just that pissed off at the company.

thumb_up thumb_down +43

When posting these, I'm rarely able to read the words/letters in the box that prove you're human and not some computer virus. Now I'm starting to think I'm not a human......

thumb_up thumb_down +39

eat the muffin bottom because it isn't as good as the top and i want to get it over with

thumb_up thumb_down +31

Press harder on the remote when I know the batteries are dead.

thumb_up thumb_down +25

I sleep in my underpants every single night

thumb_up thumb_down +25

Feel bad about hurting someone a long time ago, when I was a child, and wish I could speak to that person and say "I'm sorry." Cringe whenever the thought of the incident rises.

thumb_up thumb_down +23

Being able to think about great ideas for the world, but not being able to get a math problem done.

thumb_up thumb_down +21

Take your laptop to the toilet with you, as a modern day equivalent of the newspaper.

thumb_up thumb_down +19

I doodle on everything I get that can be doodled on, even my exams :)

thumb_up thumb_down +19

At work or in public and I am wearing snug pants I think sexy thoughts so I'll have half a harding and make people think it's that big all the time.

thumb_up thumb_down +17

I try to say something, but a bunch of people are talking at the same time so I yell at them to shut up and as soon as I say something I realize I was wrong so I say"okay" as calm as possible to keep from looking like a douche

thumb_up thumb_down +11

Say something smart in class, then worry your friends will rip ony uo for it half way through saying it, so end it by saying "or something like that."

thumb_up thumb_down +9

Sometimes I have something I want to do and then walk into the room to do it in and forget exactly what I was trying to do, it usually involves the kitchen so I just look in the refrigerator then leave and then remember what it is I wanted to do.

thumb_up thumb_down +7

When I am bored and home alone, I sometimes try to recreate the most annoying sound in the world from Dumb and Dumber. (P.S. Sorry if this was already submitted, I didn't see it.)

thumb_up thumb_down +5

When at Burger King, McDonalds etc. I always finish the drink before the food so that I still have the taste of the food in my mouth when I'm finished.

thumb_up thumb_down +5

when you're in the car, look outside and count every single lamp-post until the car stops

thumb_up thumb_down +5

I love touching, squeezing and occasionally biting my dog's (read: any dog's) muzzle. I love the texture and the gummy-ness. I also love how pissed he gets when I do it and sneezes after.

thumb_up thumb_down +1

I don't care about who a celebrity dates or marries. Why should I?

thumb_up thumb_down -1

I sometime's wonder if other people can see and feel everything I can but are just in my body too judge me.

thumb_up thumb_down -1

Blink and pretend that you just took a picture with your eyes.

thumb_up thumb_down -3

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.