- Things You Think Only You Do

Say the Lord's name in vain, then say "sorry God" under my breath right after.

I'm a man. When I'm watching a movie with my wife and it has a sad ending. I allways have to cry but moments before the actual end has come I allready start to snif my nose so that she thinks I have a cold and do not have to cry about the ending of the movie.

after taking a dump i always still smell a little bit of poop and i wonder if other people smell it too

Turn the door knob while closing the door ...so it doesn't make a loud noise.

I keep on trying to imagine how long eternity is for when I go to Heaven. It never ends...

Try to think of something nice when then thinks I the scariest things

Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

carry my cat by holding it's front and back legs

everytime i see a jet stream in the air i pretend that i can shoot a missile with my finger tip that is self guided and tracks down the airplane that made that certain jet stream.

When well dressed, someone ask me what I do for a living, I say nothing and watch the confused look come over their face.

send a text to some one and act like you "meant" to send it to someone else.

When I'm walking I look up at nothing in particular and it causes everyone else to look up too!

Believing in the kindness of strangers

Having to poop in a certain way to avoid your ass sucking it in again. If it all comes out in one go, the cleaning becomes a lot easier and more satisfying.

So has anyone else ever been in the middle of doing something and at the exact moment something happens and you sort of wonder if it happened because of what you did.

Thinking your life is a movie...

try to give your friends spirit animals

I prefer to go to the bathroom with the door open.

When you're walking and think of something funny and start laughing, but you don't want people to think you're weird, so you pull out your phone and pretend you're texting.

sometimes when i wipe my nose a booger will get on my hand then ill get to lazy to get it off and wipe it under my chair.

Write a word then wonder if it's spelt with an i or and e so just put them both in but do it in such a way that the person reading it won't know whether you didn't know the spelling or misspelled it then realized your mistake and tried to fix it.

What do you call a rapist in your house? Your father.

I get mad at women because they menstruate and that's gross. I don't judge one woman individually for it, but I'm disgusted with the whole gender, which leads to being almost disgusted with myself for being attracted to them.

I can't piss with my shoes on.

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.