I can only play a piano with my right hand

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acting as if you can shoot with a banana

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When something funny happens think of it a couple days later than laugh,everyone then looks at me weirdly.

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Sometimes when I look at a clock the seconds hand ticks backwards

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After masterbating, I wonder if my dead relatives can just see what I did?

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I always ask myself "Why am I me?". But have never come up with a good answer.

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When ever i watch a movie with my parents i hope to god there is no nudity or awkward sex talk

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Whenever I got hurt I used to just run like that would stop the pain

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judge a spider on it's ability to hide from me and decide to let it survive if I consider it a clever hiding place, then get paranoid because the spider was smart.

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Find myself thinking a completely random meaningless sentence as I'm falling asleep with no idea how I got to that thought.

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Get turned on when you see a girl yawn

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Smoking in the shower.

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Panic when your car alarm goes off while you are going to get in because you suddenly look like a criminal.

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in the morning when you wake up and take a shower you make weird faces to stretch out and "warm up" your face for the day

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Lay between the wall and the bed when the bed is pefectly fine

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(1) In the middle of a conversation, I start to think of all the crazy stuff I could do even though I would never want to i.e. punching them in the face, making out with them, flashing them.

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I'm a man. When I'm watching a movie with my wife and it has a sad ending. I allways have to cry but moments before the actual end has come I allready start to snif my nose so that she thinks I have a cold and do not have to cry about the ending of the movie.

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getting furius wen ppl hav bad speling n grammer

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When I'm watching a movie I have already seen I hope for a different ending but soon realize it won't happen

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No ones home. Go to youtube and do karaoke. Can the neighbors here me? Guess im not talking to them ever again...

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carry my cat by holding it's front and back legs

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Pay attention to commercial breaks to see if there is ever a break without an advertisement about cars or new movies coming out

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Count the number of times someone knocks on a door on television.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.