carry my cat by holding it's front and back legs

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Stopping the microwave at 1 second because it's late and you don't want to be loud.

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Go outside to meet a friend but he cancelled so you stay in your garage so your parents don't know you're there

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Whenever I finish reading a book, I feel a great sense of achievement.

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Having to poop in a certain way to avoid your ass sucking it in again. If it all comes out in one go, the cleaning becomes a lot easier and more satisfying.

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Deside to watch a video in bed on your phone or iPad and drop it on your face...

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When well dressed, someone ask me what I do for a living, I say nothing and watch the confused look come over their face.

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start telling someone a story and then realize that i would only be funny if they actually saw it.

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I waTch 2 GIRLS AND 1 CUP AND I FAPPED THOSE BITCHES MANY TIMES! HELL YEA! /M\

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLENDA!!!

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Sitting down in the shower

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Sometimes I wonder how food tastes when not drowned in ketchup.

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Play call of duty then go around shooting everyone in your mind for the rest of the day

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I prefer to go to the bathroom with the door open.

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Know almost every line from spongbob episodes.

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Go to bed at 9 am and then regret whole day is wasted

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only drink milk from a freshly opened carton

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I **** with no hands.

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Love to check my astrological compatibility with my favorite musicians.

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Whenever you shave, you make sure you cut both ends of your moustache, leaving a small patch in the middle above your lips. Then you pretend to be Hitler ;)

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I used to shower with my cat which struggles like hell, even though it loves getting fucking filthy, one day it even bit my dick. I still shower with my cat.

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....you're high and you think you write complete bullshit?

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I gotta get down of Friday

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Wait until my friends are done eating lunch so I don't have to dump my tray alone.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.