Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually in a coma and that everything is just a dream and my parents are standing over me watching me and wishing their daughter was awake

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I use encryption even for everyday, routine communications because f*ck the NSA.

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When you are reading a book and find that you are narrating the words you read in the book, to yourself. You feel weird, so you try to stop doing this by reading further or focusing more on the book.

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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Count the number of times someone knocks on a door on television.

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Masturbate. Sometimes two or three times a day.

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Panic when your car alarm goes off while you are going to get in because you suddenly look like a criminal.

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Hate when I can't sleep and the sun starts to come up and I hear birds chirping and i get worried and just realize that I should be happy that it's a new day and to relax.

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When listening to a song with headphones or on the radio i sing the harmonies or make them while they sing the lead

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Read the time on your watch, then after a few minutes, read it again because you forgot it.

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Being stuck in a traffic jam and wishing I could just apparate

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Love feet. like LOVE feet.

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HEY! YOU! Yeah you! I can speak you only, NO! Nobody else here! Yeah you only you, by the way you are a dirty piece of s**t you mothe* F**ker! YEAH ITS YOU! I HATE YOU! EVERYBODY HATES YOU YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! *end of special message just for you*

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Play call of duty then go around shooting everyone in your mind for the rest of the day

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLENDA!!!

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try to give your friends spirit animals

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after i take a poop i stand up turn around and piss on my poop to try to split it in half

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Whenever Terminator 2 is on tv, I become enthralled and can't stop watching even though I've seen it a million times.

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Wait until my friends are done eating lunch so I don't have to dump my tray alone.

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scratch that bit between my balls and arse when it gets itchy, then carry on scratching for ages cos it feels so damn good

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I thought I was disgusting until I read the top voted things here. Floral: Actually pretty neat.

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laugh whenever I see an infomercial where the hosts glorify their products to the point where it seems like they have found Jesus it is hilarious.

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I have a phobia of incest

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Sometimes when someone says something to me, I will hear them perfectly clear, but I will instinctively say "what?"

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.