When at a restaurant you practice your order inside your head, then when you actually have to order you mess it up.

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I talk to inanimate objects daily.

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That feeling you get where you slip on something but you save yourself just in time and your just like "holy crap, i almost cracked my head and died," then two minutes later your legs are still shaking

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Waiting with a friend the microwave countdown finish and when comes to 0 shout "Happy New Year!" and we hug each other

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Going through a lot of Deja Vu lately, it feels like you have another life before this one.

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turn off the tv by accident and then turn it on only to find that it takes forever to work again

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walking up steps in the dark and you think you've gotten to the top but there's actually one more step and you panic because you think your going to fall

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only read the short jokes on this website

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I'm a guy and I like to wear swimwear as underwear

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When in class , I move alot in my chair when my butt itches .

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Paranoid someone is reading your mind, so you think something weird to see if they look at you

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I lift my butt when I'm farting

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When masturbating at night, looking at the window paranoid that someone is watching. But stopping or moving out of view.

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Say the Lord's name in vain, then say "sorry God" under my breath right after.

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I use encryption even for everyday, routine communications because f*ck the NSA.

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Looking at something suggestive on your computer and worrying that someone else in your family can see what you're doing on their computer.

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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Blow into the shower head when I'm taking a shower to make what sounds like jet noises

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I have tried jumping in an airplane to see if I fall in the same spot

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Sometimes when I look in the mirror I act out a scene like Tyra banks coming up to me and asking me to be on America's next top model.

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I feel strange when I look at someone and think ''This person has had sex''

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When you are reading a book and find that you are narrating the words you read in the book, to yourself. You feel weird, so you try to stop doing this by reading further or focusing more on the book.

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When I see lost posters of native parrots I always wonder how could I find 1 in a million

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Wonder if the life your living is one long dream and your gonna wake up and be some type of alien.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.