Ask me if an outfit makes you look fat? I'll say VERY!

thumb_up thumb_down -49

Put the porn sound in a really low volume even when you have headphones, just to make sure noone can hear it. Then take off the headphones once in a while to check if it sounds too loud.

thumb_up thumb_down -51

trying to piss after masturbation hurts.

thumb_up thumb_down -51

use the hair drier to dry my balls after shower

thumb_up thumb_down -53

getting really nervous about random white vans that drive by you.

thumb_up thumb_down -53

Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

thumb_up thumb_down -53

I talk through my teeth when i am talking to my pets.

thumb_up thumb_down -55

I love the tingly feeling you get when youve shifted after realizing you arm, leg, hand, etc. has gone numb. am i the only one?

thumb_up thumb_down -55

Say "Up and Down" for "Left or Right"

thumb_up thumb_down -57

Flush the toilet before you finish peeing

thumb_up thumb_down -59

I have autofocus in my eyes.

thumb_up thumb_down -59

So has anyone else ever been in the middle of doing something and at the exact moment something happens and you sort of wonder if it happened because of what you did.

thumb_up thumb_down -61

When I see a pregnant woman I can't help but think "she had sex"

thumb_up thumb_down -63

Scratch inside my ear, then lick the finger I used.

thumb_up thumb_down -63

Sometimes I wonder how food tastes when not drowned in ketchup.

thumb_up thumb_down -63

I am such a coward. When I'm going to have an argument or complain to someone, I think of the beat ever retort, but when it comes down to it I say "why are you so mean" or " why don't you just leave me alone for once" or something like that. ( Yes I get picked on, cos I'm the smartest in our class)

thumb_up thumb_down -69

I wake up right before the "sexy" part happens...

thumb_up thumb_down -77

Walk down the street, listening to a song, singing it softly, then thinking 'I might wanna stop doing that before I look awkward', but the wires get crossed and you start singing LOUDER and so on.

thumb_up thumb_down -79

scratch that bit between my balls and arse when it gets itchy, then carry on scratching for ages cos it feels so damn good

thumb_up thumb_down -89

(Men) When you have to poop and pee at the same time, you stand to pee, and THEN sit to poop. Just out of principle.

thumb_up thumb_down -93

Start to cry when your alone, but stop yourself because you don't want to look like a pussy.

thumb_up thumb_down -99

If I get lost while driving, the first thing I do is turn down the radio.

thumb_up thumb_down +44

Intentionally utilize uncommon vocabulary to replace colloquial slang for the pure purpose of entertainment (for oneself). :D

thumb_up thumb_down +32

feel like your calculator is judging/making fun of you for looking up simple equations

thumb_up thumb_down +22

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.