When I'm at home alone, I feel like people are watching me through my windows, so I act completely civil.

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Opening the fridge door, then trying to accomplish pouring a drink, before the door seals itself forever leaving the cola to the mercy of the outside world.

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I cover the mirror on my bedroom door with a sheet at night, because I think the shadows casted in the mirror are gonna get me.

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I don't use my car air conditioning because I think it's wasteful and it might "run-out" when I'm REALLY, REALLY hot.

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I refuse to take dump with the shower curtain closed. I know someone's behind it...

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Accidentally scratching a surface and then scratching it again with the tops of your fingernails to even it out.

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If i read or see something good (on tv )the next time i daydream i am always some how involved in it

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Whenever I watch TV, the volume has to be on multiples of 5. Even if the perfect volume is in between.

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Until just recently, I thought apple juice was made by the pee of the company. Just that they added sugar.

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I used to eat bath bubbles

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I sometimes start thinking about very non sexual things in the middle of masturbation, like what I'm going to wear the next day.

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For some reason some guy at the office started calling me "Biggus Dickus" and that became my nickname from there on... ...Cant help but smirk whenever my female employees gather and ask one another "But what is that Biggus Dickus guys real name? Is he really "Biggus Dickus? Such a strange name, should we call him Biggus Dickus or? etc" Nero the clit collector: AND THEY WONDER WHY I REFUSE TO TELL THEM MY REAL NAME XD They even have bets to see which one can guess "Biggus Dickus`s" real name... ...WHAT? YOU COLLECT STAMPS! THATS TWICE AS CRUEL... Besides you got like ten, I got about 300.005.

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eat cake in a bowl with milk the way you would eat a bowl of cereal

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RE:" pee on the side of the toilet" you dont pee on the side of the toilet so it isn't loud. you pee on the side so it doesn't splash on you're legs as much.

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judge a spider on it's ability to hide from me and decide to let it survive if I consider it a clever hiding place, then get paranoid because the spider was smart.

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When masturbating at night, looking at the window paranoid that someone is watching. But stopping or moving out of view.

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Say the Lord's name in vain, then say "sorry God" under my breath right after.

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I get really annoyed by the constant audience laughter in some tv shows even when nothing funny is said

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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When I walking the same direction as other people, I secretly race them and do the sports commentry in my head

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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I have tried jumping in an airplane to see if I fall in the same spot

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Pretend like i'm having a conversation with someone talking to somebody on a phone, and randomly say something to go with what the person says.

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expecting to get on this website to find something funny but instead finding crappy posts.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.