Naming every pet you've ever owned Peter Jankins

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Look to the right, and see nothing. Look to the left, and see nothing. Look to the right again, and see the chick from the ring (or some scary shit) standing there.

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fist myself to the point of unconsciousness whilst masturbating to the speeches of Hitler

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When you accidentally like get something on your hand so you go to wash it off but feel compelled to wash your other hand too even if it's not dirty

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When I do something stupid and people are around I hope that nobody saw me and I never tell anyone what I did. But if i do something stupid and I am alone I feel I have to tell somebody.

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When something says "I have read and agree to the terms of service" I quickly skim through it nd act like I read it.

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I like wet humping better than f*cking. but sometimes it slips in anyway, and it's that's pretty enjoyable too. and mt girlfriend is cool with. ... so it's actualy pretty whatevs either way. but wet humping is my jam.

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Whenever I fart, I always smell it. But when other people fart, I don't want to smell it.

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When something weird happens I nod in agreement.

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when you mouth words (but saying them out loud) when someone can't hear you

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Trying to preform oral on yourself.... And failing.

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I never read the terms and conditions but I say I have

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In elementary school whenever it was supposed to be mental math I never did it mentally.

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Check behind the shower curtain for a killer.

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sometimes i wonder how it would be to think in another language and i try but cant

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Refreshing captcha codes for five minutes straight until you find reasonably legible letters.

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Sometimes I stop typing in the middle of a sen

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I split my gum in half so I can chew on both sides.

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When I'm alone I occasionally like to give a little hump to the air. Not for sexual reasons or anything, just because it feels right.

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disgusted by people that are obsessed with poo and pee

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Make the water from your shower shoot from your finger and pretend to be a water-bender.

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I hate other people's mirrors, they make me look different

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I have to put the radio volume in multiples of three and my daughter has to put it in multiples of five so when we are together it either has to be on 15 or 30.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.