When taking a dump in a public restroom, if someone else walks in, I wait until they leave the restroom before finishing up and leaving the stall, just to make sure they don't see who I am.

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If two cars towing boats were to crash into each other, Would that make it a boating accident?

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interview yourself over some amazing accomplishment you achieved like becoming the youngest emmy winner and pretending you're really humble.

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On YouTube , I try to find the clearest music

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When driving and a song come on about death I switch the station because i'm afraid its going to happen to me

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I have to put the radio volume in multiples of three and my daughter has to put it in multiples of five so when we are together it either has to be on 15 or 30.

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Spell Checktells me I spelt something wrong even though I am certain it's right.

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I always paranoidly think that someone else might see what I see through my eyes he can't hear what I hear and he can't smell what I smell he can only see and if I close my eyes he falls asleep automatically I try to avoid thinking this but that's impossible

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when you are pooping you fart and it scares you a little bit.

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Look at just about ANYTHING you see in the context of a zombie apocalypse. Example: strategizing escape routes and barricade points while you're walking down the hallway in school, or looking at something ordinary, like a baseball bat, and thinking, 'I could bash some zombie brains with that'

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Sittig on a table donating sperm to my friend gabe

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When you can feel yourself blushing so you pretend to be preoccupied with something else.

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in silences, freak, thinking someone can read your mind and tell them off in your head

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When I'm bored in school I always imagine the teacher asks me something and my response is starting to sing a song. Somewhen some of my friends sing along with me. Then the whole class sings this song. We run out of classroom into the hallways and every other pupil comes out their classroom to see what's happening. Then They all sing along with me. We run out of school and sing and dance like in a musical. Then I actually remind myself, its impossible that every student knows the lyrics of the song I'm just thinking of and get depressed again.

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I eat ass

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Realizes there is less toilet paper than first thought. Hobbles across bathroom to find more. Failure. Take shower.

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Waste time looking all over for something and notice it is right where it should be.

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Try to give my download speed moral support: "You can do it! YES, just stay there!" For anyone out there struggling with slow internet.. I feel your pain

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Rinse off salted nuts before eating them

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i want to FAWK the SHYT out of that girl

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In a meeting at work, you imagine throwing coffee into your boss's face, just to see what he would do.

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When I make croissants from the Pillsbury can, I'll take one of the little triangles and eat it, because I like the consistency of dough, and i like the fizzy feeling of the yeast on my tongue.

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When you fart in class but try to cover it up by moving around so other people think it was just the chair squeaking.

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In elementary school whenever it was supposed to be mental math I never did it mentally.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.