Take nibbles whenever you get to the last piece of your burger to make it last longer.

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When riding in a car I pump my arms to pretend I'm running at an incredible rate.

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i feel relived after i prick and see that hard-white thinggy that oozes outside my annoying acne.

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Whenever I send or receive texts, I always make it a point to have more received texts than sent ones. It makes me feel popular.

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When I walk past a homeless person asking for change, I avoid looking them in the eye and walk faster.

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I use encryption even for everyday, routine communications because f*ck the NSA.

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Use head & "Shoulders" for pubic hair

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try and open the microwave right before it finishes.

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chew on the side of my teeth

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When someones talking to a group of people that I'm in and says something bad that I do but think nobody else does, I stand perfectly still and don't blink and breath as quietly as possible until the next subject arrives.

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Thinking your life is a movie...

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Read what other people do that you don't, and think how weird that person must be.

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Pretending I'm on my cellphone in public.

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Trying to preform oral on yourself.... And failing.

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when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

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oh snap, i got a boner. hope nobody notices

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Trying to recreate all facial expressions of people on television, even animated ones!

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realize that no one is listening to me talk so I say something completely random to try and get there attention

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I try to say something, but a bunch of people are talking at the same time so I yell at them to shut up and as soon as I say something I realize I was wrong so I say"okay" as calm as possible to keep from looking like a douche

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When you think thoughts, you think them in complete sentences as if you were saying them and in your accent.

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If some makes you mad you do things alot better than you would if you were not mad

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When I go to bed, I imagine how I would deal with intruders, then I can't sleep.

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Fart after someone else farts sop that no one will know you did too.

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Fantasize about shooting one of those trucks that have some sort of liquid in them and watching them blow up.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.