Take nibbles whenever you get to the last piece of your burger to make it last longer.

When riding in a car I pump my arms to pretend I'm running at an incredible rate.

i feel relived after i prick and see that hard-white thinggy that oozes outside my annoying acne.

Whenever I send or receive texts, I always make it a point to have more received texts than sent ones. It makes me feel popular.

When I walk past a homeless person asking for change, I avoid looking them in the eye and walk faster.

I use encryption even for everyday, routine communications because f*ck the NSA.

Use head & "Shoulders" for pubic hair

try and open the microwave right before it finishes.

chew on the side of my teeth

When someones talking to a group of people that I'm in and says something bad that I do but think nobody else does, I stand perfectly still and don't blink and breath as quietly as possible until the next subject arrives.

Thinking your life is a movie...

Read what other people do that you don't, and think how weird that person must be.

Pretending I'm on my cellphone in public.

Trying to preform oral on yourself.... And failing.

when someones child falls and cries while you walking through town and you laugh to yourself

oh snap, i got a boner. hope nobody notices

Trying to recreate all facial expressions of people on television, even animated ones!

realize that no one is listening to me talk so I say something completely random to try and get there attention

I try to say something, but a bunch of people are talking at the same time so I yell at them to shut up and as soon as I say something I realize I was wrong so I say"okay" as calm as possible to keep from looking like a douche

When you think thoughts, you think them in complete sentences as if you were saying them and in your accent.

If some makes you mad you do things alot better than you would if you were not mad

When I go to bed, I imagine how I would deal with intruders, then I can't sleep.

Fart after someone else farts sop that no one will know you did too.

Fantasize about shooting one of those trucks that have some sort of liquid in them and watching them blow up.

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.