Sometimes when my teacher calls on me in class I imagine myself saying F**** you and then having the whole class look at me in disbelief

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It takes half as long to take a dump if I forget my phone.

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i always think people can hear my thoughts.

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Consume skin around finger nails. Cuticle too.

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I don't leave the toilet in a public restroom until the other person leaves, so I don't have to make awkward eye contact.

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Say "what?" when you know what they said, then answer before they can respond. I do it because it takes me a second to figure out what they said and so my immediate response it "what?".

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The girl I like has just managed to transfer her consciousness into my mind, now being to hear my every thought and see everything I do. Just. Act. Cool.

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sometimes i poop in my pants and like the smell of my poop. Smells like whatever i just ate.

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When I take a shower, I screw with my iPod for a half an hour "Waiting for the water to warm up".

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thinking about how you will never understand who in the world thought it was a good idea to spell "Wednesday" like that

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When an awkward situation arises, pull out my phone and aimlessly flip through the apps to pretend I'm busy doing something

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I don't thumb down any submissions because then I am just as bad as the people who thumb down mine

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When I'm in the shower I act like I'm filming a music video.

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I wonder if old women enjoy sex?

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when going through this website only read post that have 2 or more thumbs up

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Think about having sex with the dog. You wouldn't, but what if you did?

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having cool friends, but all their other friends are nerds.

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Think about the same confusing random dilemas that dont involve me every week and alwaus come to the same conclusion

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Sometimes I won't do something just to see how long it takes before someone else does it (dishes, throw something away, fill the ice cube tray, etc.).

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Sit at your desk at work and think to yourself "is this it? I feel like I was meant for something bigger, like being an actor or a real life hero." then you look around you and feel bad because you feel like you dumped on everyone else who seem happy wih their lives. Then you go back to your boring desk job anyway.

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I always find myself criticizing some commercials on television like the first time I see them I think nothing of it but the third or fourth time I think hey wait a second...

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When calling someone you hang up after 3 or 4 rings because you're tired of waiting rather than it being time to leave a message.

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When I'm laying in bed and I feel my heartbeat, I turn around so I can't feel it because it makes me feel sick.

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When a person tells you: Oh you like Lana Del Rey? Me:No,I like the wall

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.