Whenever I'm in the shower, I never close my eyes because I think someones gonna kill me

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I'm not a pessimist I'm a realist.

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Think that If I leave a big knife out on the counter- or a pair of tights/belt/scarf out in view, I believe that ultimately someone will break in and kill me via the aforementioned items.................and I will only have myself to blame.

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Leave coins on the floor in the corner when I have a party to see if there is a petty thief around

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Walk away in the middle of a sitcom and then play the rest out of the episode in your head while doing something else.

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I have the background on my computer a picture of some cartoon characters,and when I'm alone I talk to the screen like those characters are actually in the room. -Briarwoodninja

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Always run up the stairs as if someone was chasing you.

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Back away as much as I can from airplane toilets before flushing them because the noise scares me

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Having a deja vu, swearing you've seen something before.

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worry about other people hearing you pee when your in the bathroom.

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I think about fat women while poking my skinny girlfriend

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I wonder what would happen if time froze and only I could move. I think about all the things I could do.

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check shower for murder then pee

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I think about other women when having sex

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Fantasize a situation that turns you into a person with superpowers or something.

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Tally mark everytime I take a shit.

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When you know your alone, you still have to check the whole house.

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Scratch my asshole and always judge it to be okay to continue my day, no matter how bad the smell.

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When calling someone you hang up after 3 or 4 rings because you're tired of waiting rather than it being time to leave a message.

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Every time I see a pretty girl,the first thing I think is how I'd love to pin her down and tickle her.

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Saying something stupid and then claiming it was an inside joke so you don't look stupid.

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Brake for tail-gaters

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when you hear "tartar sauce" you think that it's actually made from tartar -MATT

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Whilst passing a mega dump or room clearer as my brother calls them I come up with songs...sometimes in spanish

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.