check shower for murder then pee

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I think about other women when having sex

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When you are taking a test or anywhere , you remember something funny and you laugh randomly looking like a dumbass then pretend to cough.

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Sit at your desk at work and think to yourself "is this it? I feel like I was meant for something bigger, like being an actor or a real life hero." then you look around you and feel bad because you feel like you dumped on everyone else who seem happy wih their lives. Then you go back to your boring desk job anyway.

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When you know your alone, you still have to check the whole house.

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When calling someone you hang up after 3 or 4 rings because you're tired of waiting rather than it being time to leave a message.

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Every time I see a pretty girl,the first thing I think is how I'd love to pin her down and tickle her.

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i put a empty pack of cigarettes under my pillow and hoped the cigarette fairy would come when i was asleep

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Saying something stupid and then claiming it was an inside joke so you don't look stupid.

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Race the microwave. Not literally, by the way.

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Brake for tail-gaters

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I HATE minecraft gift codes and the morons who post about them. I wish those morons would get off my planet.

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if something stands for something, i come up with my own version of it.

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When the toilet paper falls to the floor, I quickly roll it again so nobody notices it.

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I think of doing something productive, but can't work up the motivation and end up on the internet instead.

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thinking your pants are wet when you only just sat down for a long time

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When I'm in the shower, you think of arguments that can occur, then think of good comebacks to say to your opponent. And when it actually does happen in real life, you don't have the courage to say it.

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When you are speaking to someone with a distinct accent and suddenly take on the accent as your own when responding. - Missy Chemick

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when i pass a grave yard, i am compelled to hold my breath

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Hope that one day your closet will have a secret world like Narnia...

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I never feel bored

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When I take a shower, I screw with my iPod for a half an hour "Waiting for the water to warm up".

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When I drive I cut corners even at low speeds so that the people behind me think I am experienced race car driver.

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I look behind me and out of my window every 10 minutes while I'm sitting at my desk because I'm scared something's gonna be there.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.