Text random people saying I'm pregnant

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Waking up at 4 am wondering where your pillow went.

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I try really hard to come up with a funny joke on antijokes.com, then I give up and come to this website instead.

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Sometimes I stay as still as I can and stare at myself in the mirror until it scares me and I freak out about who I am and why I'm living. I have to think of my family and memories to snap out of it.

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Take a side of bacon and jack off watching Babe.

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fap

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I tilt my head back and eat grapes pretending like im a greek god

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trying not to laugh when reading things that you do in "Things You Only Think You Do" in fear your parents will mistake your laughter as you fapping.

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Find yourself alone at a party/gathering of some sort... Pretend to send a text to make people think you're not a loner.

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When leaving a poop smear under the water in the toilet that doesn't get flushed away, I put a few pieces of toilet paper on the water surface to conceal it.

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being a mid-teenager, never having a relationship before and don't care at all.

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this is a terrible website and i hate you

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ASMR

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I use the power-stance sometimes when I poop. It's where you completely remove one leg from your pants and put the shoe back on. Your legs can go further apart.

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When I drive I sing really loud and then when a car come up next to me I pretend I wasn't singing

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After going to the toilet to do a S#!* I will only sit on one cheek for the rest of the day until I bathe

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When i'm in a classroom I think about all of the possible ways to save everyone if something bad happens.

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when someone is talking about something i have no idea of and then asked me if i agree I'm like: oh yes! and then promptly changing subject so they won't find out

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Spread my butt so poop comes out easier.

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in my mind prisms are called pink floyd.

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mindlessly touch my laptop or desktop PC's screen after having just used a tablet.

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Accidentally turning the fan on instead of the light when you walk into the bathroom and having a mini-spazz attack because the sound scares you.

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Sometimes when I'm laughing really hard I awkwardly clap my hands.

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I used to peep when my relatives are watching porn, back when i was a kid. After that, i feel like i wanna pee.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.