Stopping the microwave at 1 second because it's late and you don't want to be loud.

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Wish that illegal Mexicans would stop driving drunk without insurance and crashing into legal citizens who pay taxes and insurance leaving us with a debt in medical bills so that we cant afford physical therapy.

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Lie in bed at night, imagining things I want to happen in my life while trying to fall asleep.

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When you say something you think is funny but it turns out that it's only funny in your head so once you say it there's this moment of awkwardness and everyone else probably just forgets about it but it haunts you for the rest of your life. ~

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When a song comes on that i hate on the radio, i sing along with it because i know the lyrics. (Example: something by Justtin bieber D:)

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When I piss in the toilet (naw, naw in the microwave, god) I try to pee on one side so the bubbles spin around the flush to see if it keeps spinning

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Random strong urge to squeeze immensely cute pet.

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Tape your dick to your leg to fit into tight pants

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I look at my phone screen when i'm in an uncomfortable situation, and five minutes later i have to look again cause somebody asks what time it is.

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eat the muffin bottom because it isn't as good as the top and i want to get it over with

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Sometimes when you're at work and you're REALLY horny, you look around at the women you work with and think who you really would like to bone, then on another particular day when you aren't horny, you see the same women and think to yourself " I must have REALLY been horny. What was I thinking?" lol (not trying to be gross, but honestly, who doesn't get horny while at work sometimes)

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At work or in public and I am wearing snug pants I think sexy thoughts so I'll have half a harding and make people think it's that big all the time.

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Thinking about a situation someone else in the world might be in. For example, Someone dying and the pain they must be going through.

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Burglars have become very clever. Just last night my wife turned to me and said that she hears burglars downstairs so I got up quietly checked every room suddenly I realised that I don't have a wife.

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don't wash my hands after using the toilet because its a waste of time

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When im standing at a urinal and another guy was there before me and i still finish first i pretend like im still peeing so he wont think i have a bladder problem.

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After learning a new word, I hear it used and written EVERYWHERE for the next week.

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Walk around aimlessly when talking on the phone.

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hearing the opening theme music to Disney or 20th Century Fox or whatever and knowing what it is before you see the screen, then wondering if you should feel proud or if your a weird geek.

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test how many stares you can scale in one step

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Wipe the salt off your hand on your right pant leg after eating salty fries from fast food restaurants.

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Scratch my scalp and look around the place if there is someone watching me (if no one does) quickly smell my fingers

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You do a retarded dance when a song you don't like comes on

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Never step on manholes, because I'm afraid to fall in.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.