Text random people saying I'm pregnant

Waking up at 4 am wondering where your pillow went.

I try really hard to come up with a funny joke on antijokes.com, then I give up and come to this website instead.

Sometimes I stay as still as I can and stare at myself in the mirror until it scares me and I freak out about who I am and why I'm living. I have to think of my family and memories to snap out of it.

Take a side of bacon and jack off watching Babe.

fap

I tilt my head back and eat grapes pretending like im a greek god

trying not to laugh when reading things that you do in "Things You Only Think You Do" in fear your parents will mistake your laughter as you fapping.

Find yourself alone at a party/gathering of some sort... Pretend to send a text to make people think you're not a loner.

When leaving a poop smear under the water in the toilet that doesn't get flushed away, I put a few pieces of toilet paper on the water surface to conceal it.

being a mid-teenager, never having a relationship before and don't care at all.

this is a terrible website and i hate you

ASMR

I use the power-stance sometimes when I poop. It's where you completely remove one leg from your pants and put the shoe back on. Your legs can go further apart.

When I drive I sing really loud and then when a car come up next to me I pretend I wasn't singing

After going to the toilet to do a S#!* I will only sit on one cheek for the rest of the day until I bathe

When i'm in a classroom I think about all of the possible ways to save everyone if something bad happens.

when someone is talking about something i have no idea of and then asked me if i agree I'm like: oh yes! and then promptly changing subject so they won't find out

Spread my butt so poop comes out easier.

in my mind prisms are called pink floyd.

mindlessly touch my laptop or desktop PC's screen after having just used a tablet.

Accidentally turning the fan on instead of the light when you walk into the bathroom and having a mini-spazz attack because the sound scares you.

Sometimes when I'm laughing really hard I awkwardly clap my hands.

I used to peep when my relatives are watching porn, back when i was a kid. After that, i feel like i wanna pee.

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.