Cuss my ass off in the morning - jd

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When I am about to thumb up a comment here that has not happened to me, I first stop myself thinking "but that has not happened to me" then I remember I thumb up comments just because I like them and proceed to do so most of the times

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Stop at traffic lights thinking it will close soon, when actually remains only 5s to close second and u run like crazy.

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Wish that Mexicans would go to their OWN country and stop living tax free in OURS.

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Having sudden realizations that you are a person who exists.

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Try to see nipples through body paint.

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Take everything out of the fridge, and climb in it, and pretend your in a time capsule.

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Naming every pet you've ever owned Peter Jankins

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When someone is reading something I have to read it at sonic speed in my head before they get to the end and if i dont do it in time I get angry.

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When I do something stupid and people are around I hope that nobody saw me and I never tell anyone what I did. But if i do something stupid and I am alone I feel I have to tell somebody.

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fist myself to the point of unconsciousness whilst masturbating to the speeches of Hitler

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Whenever I'm scared at night in my room I turn on music. Because the music will keep away people trying to get me. Obviously.

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Thinking you could bump into someone by the corner of a building (or a wall)

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When something says "I have read and agree to the terms of service" I quickly skim through it nd act like I read it.

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Sometimes when walking, accidently fart and then try to squeak my to sound like my shoes squeaked instead of me farting.

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Race the microwave. Not literally, by the way.

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See a news article that looks interesting, too lazy to read the whole thing. Skim.

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When something weird happens I nod in agreement.

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Realizes there is less toilet paper than first thought. Hobbles across bathroom to find more. Failure. Take shower.

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I never read the terms and conditions but I say I have

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Check behind the shower curtain for a killer.

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do math problems in my head while having sex to keep from coming

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Keep trying to defend your point even after you've realized you're wrong in an argument

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Refreshing captcha codes for five minutes straight until you find reasonably legible letters.

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Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.