Sometimes, when I'm alone and it's dark outside, I like to cover my body in petroleum jelly and pretend to be a slug.

thumb_up thumb_down -16

I always thought Diane Ross sang '76 why don't ya babe, get out my life why don't ya babe'.

thumb_up thumb_down -18

Just think about this. I do. What if we are all a character from The Sims and there is someone controlling us as their character and we never really did anything by our own choice. Creepy.

thumb_up thumb_down -18

Whenever I'm chewing on gum that has lost its flavor, I extract the gum from my mouth using my fingers before putting it back in so the flavor would return.

thumb_up thumb_down -20

Make odd grunting noises and sighs of relief while going #2.

thumb_up thumb_down -26

Put my finger over one pixel of my digital alarm clock, because I know that's the only one that will change in the next minute. Take it off. MAGIC.

thumb_up thumb_down -28

sometimes when I'm eating, I eat with the opposite side of my mouth. just to be fair to it.

thumb_up thumb_down -30

I got a lot of high rated entries, but they dont contain Moral: This.

thumb_up thumb_down -32

I hold in my shit only because i am soo occupied with my current task.

thumb_up thumb_down -34

Try to stop thinking but then just start thinking I'm thinking

thumb_up thumb_down -36

I want to hire a private investigator to follow a private investigator who was hired to follow the first investigator.

thumb_up thumb_down -38

Hold my pen or pencil with two fingers cued against my palm and two fingers sliding up the pen with my thumb in between them.

thumb_up thumb_down -40

Pass wind after i ate lasagna.

thumb_up thumb_down -40

Eating chicken at KFC.

thumb_up thumb_down -42

I read these not only for fun, but to feel in touch with my humanity.

thumb_up thumb_down -44

Unable to be near my cat without petting her or talking to her.

thumb_up thumb_down -44

When looking at a digital clock that counts down to seconds, I wait until the seconds are an even number, then I try to say each number in order twice before it changes.

thumb_up thumb_down -52

I imagine myself having a superpower that could make people see from my point of view. I would just have to lay a hand on them, and suddenly they would understand who I really am.

thumb_up thumb_down -66

eating a sandwich with strategically placed bites such that i get the same ratio of crust to tastier non-crust sandwich center in each bite. sometimes i just take two smaller bites of crust and center part so that i don't have to taste mostly bread crust in a mouthful.

thumb_up thumb_down -66

Wondering how your funeral would play out if you die

thumb_up thumb_down -66

putting your hand in the water in the back of the toilet and thinking its gross toilet water and get grossed out

thumb_up thumb_down -118

Open the microwave door exactly when your food ends.

thumb_up thumb_down +37

When i was a kid. I really dont care about the story of any animated film. As long as im watching it.

thumb_up thumb_down +25

realize that no one is listening to me talk so I say something completely random to try and get there attention

thumb_up thumb_down +19

Things You Think Only You Do

A collection of things you think only you do. Go ahead and confess. You probably aren't the only one.